The VG Resource

Because I'm aware you tend to take words too seriously, I'll preface this post by saying that what I'm about to give you is *constructive criticism*. It is *in no way* a judgement of your character or personality, but a few helpful tips to aid you in creative writing. I really hope you understand and know that I mean no hard feelings.

Proper nouns are being used way too often. Normally, I start a paragraph using someone's name and use pronouns (he/she/etc.) for the rest of the paragraph or session of dialogue. There are certain conditions under which you can use names to refer to the characters involved - if they're both the same gender, etc.

That's all I really have to give. This traditional storytelling format you're using is far easier to read and takes up less space than the script format you used before.

you keep jumping between past and present tense, which is really distracting. Your sentence structure is just really confusing in general. Is English your first language?


also, it's hilarious that your Super Smash Bros. origin story focuses on a random Sonic character that has nothing at all to do with the Smash Bros. series. You can take that as a criticism or a compliment, depending on what you're going for here

oh.

this format is actually a lot better than the script-based storytelling. nice job!!

I'm with PK though - you keep jumping between past and present tense.
Either the events in the story HAVE ALREADY HAPPENED,
or the events in the story ARE CURRENTLY HAPPENING

(05-17-2016, 11:13 PM)Harold_Roxby Wrote: [ -> ]

And as Boogeyman Spots Vanilla trying to attack Vanilla sprays Boogeyman's mouth with one weakness, foam spray of Cheese.

This is the strangest sentence I've ever read in a fanfiction. Did Vanilla just fight off the boogeyman using cheese out of a spray can?

       When Vanilla took the poor Ice possessed Eagle Ice to her home they both sat down on her couch after putting the groceries away. They were about to watch Charleyy and Friends Dating Episode on her holographic television which is on HD Plasma screen mode. "HA HA HA! I really Loved that show," Said Ice.

"Me too," Vanilla said, "How did your ex-wife kick you out anyway?"

"Well, about that my wife and I used to be King and Queen of Babylon until Grand Battle Bird & My ex-Wife turned against me. Also I was the only one betrayed by the Battle Bird Armada. Never in my life have I been betrayed by ones who were once my allies before."

"So you're royal?" Vanilla questioned, "I didn't know you used to be King of Babylon." Then hears the entrance coming from her parents, Col. Butters Cotch & Strawberry Yamato. "Oh hi mom. Hi dad."

"So Who's the lover you told us on the mobile phone about?" Butters asked before looking disapprovingly at Ice.

Though Strawberry doesn't mind Ice being with Vanilla. "This young man is very handsome even as a Babylonian," Strawberry commented.

"Oh that?" Ice explained, "Yeah, I brushed my beak & my feathered hair every day, I also scrubbed my glasses and put on deodorant twice a week."

"Vanilla, before you judge me by my disapproval's,  I must tell you," That Butters informs, "That I DON'T hate Babylonians, but I'm scared of them since the Battle Bird Armada tried to attack our country."

"My former armada attacked your country!? That's terrible. I feel sorry for you."

"Now Butters," Said Strawberry with a toothy grin, "Calm down you must learn that not ALL Babylonians are an evil threat to us. Remember Jet's Father? He's a Babylonian Rogue. He could be AGAINST the battle Bird Armada."

"Okay, Vanilla, he can stay with you," Butters warned Vanilla, "But don't cry to me if you get pregnant with a flying Rabbit or a bunny eared eagle."

"Dad," Vanilla said, "We're Hopping Lops, We're ALL flying rabbits, remember?"

Butters Sighs, "Whatever," Then turns to Ice, "Butters Yamato, Colonel of the Acorn Army and This is my Wife Strawberry."

"I think you look CUTE with Vanilla," Strawberry giggles.

"Gee thanks," Ice said, "The names Earnest Lagomberg, friends call me 'Ice'. I used to be King of Babylon until my ex-wife, Winter the Raven, kicked me out and killed herself leaving my daughter Jacobi Frosting Lagomberg (Jack Frost the Eagle) Alone in charge of Babylon as Princess making Grand Battle Bird her Corporal adviser. Not only that I'm on a run from Psy-Cobra's Mutants but Jack Frost as well. Luck me I still have my Frozened Laboratory at the Ice Cap Zone."


"Holy cow," Said Butters, "I didn't know you were a scientist, The only scientists I see in Mobius are Dr. Ivo J. Robotnik and Professor Von Shlimmer."

"I'm a good creator of the Hedgebots though, however speaking of Dr. Ivo J. Robotnik he stole my Hedgebot blue prints so he can create both Metal Sonic, Mecha Sonic, and Silver Sonic. I really Hate that guy."

"Oh dear that's terrible," Said Strawberry with a shock.

"Why did you want to create Hedgebots in the first place? There is such thing as a Security System," Butters informed.

"I know," Ice explained, "I was about to USE hedgebots as one to protect myself from the Battle Bird Armada, Including Jack Frost. She doesn't even speak to me as her father anymore." Then cries.

"Stop Crying! That's an order; Crying is for babies," Butters informed as a military Soldier, "I've been 2nd in command of the Acorn Army all in my life and son. . . Even Ian St. John doesn't cry like a baby."

"You're right, Col.,  Maybe it's time I man up."

"You know, I'm starting to trust you."

"Good, Lucky for you, Col, even as a meat eater I don't eat Rabbits, too much fur & blood anyway."

And So, Vanilla's Parents began to trust this babylonian and they become fast friends.

I can't help but feel like he is just ignoring criticism. which kinda sucks.

I get the feeling that this is all pre-written and he's just posting it here so we can praise him. He's either too attached to the story to change anything or just very lazy


side note: is Butters Cotch supposed to be Butters from South Park? If so: hahahahaha

Shush! we can't interrupt his story! xd

(05-27-2016, 09:19 AM)Phantom Killah Wrote: [ -> ]I get the feeling that this is all pre-written and he's just posting it here so we can praise him. He's either too attached to the story to change anything or just very lazy


side note: is Butters Cotch supposed to be Butters from South Park? If so: hahahahaha

Feel like it might be the latter.

(@Phantom Killah) No, Phantom Killah, Col. Butters Cotch Yamato is NOT the Same Butters from South Park. Nobody cares about the Butters from South Park not even his parents unless they're overprotective (which is why he gets grounded TOOOOO Much). Now where the hell was I. . .? Oh yes... I call the Kukus "Battle Birds" due to the fact that I prefer the Sonic Archie Comics rather than just "Tails' Adventure" for Game Gear. I only believe that SatAM Sonic and SEGA Sonic are still the same guy. Alright Gentleman, Here we go.


It was 12:00 midnight, and the Battle Bird Armada landed in Emerald town and The Battle Bird Troopas, including Princess Jack Frost & The Grand Battle Bird the 14th, jumped out of their battleships to search for Ice the Eagle. Later, Grand Battle Bird 14th's son Speedy walked to Jack Frost, complaining, "My lady, we searched every back alley in emerald town and we still see no sign of your former dad."

"Well, Keep searching!! He must die with my blood dripped on him," Jack Frost ordered.

"Princess, Please calm down," Said the Grand Battle Bird 14th, "We'll end him, you have my word."

"Good," then Jack Frost bumped into a four legged cobra mutant from Argentium in the astronaut outfit who, along with his Minions Butt-Man, Boogeyman (with Zits all over his face), Focke-Wulf, Wendy WitchKart, Boomboxasaurus & Chao Kong (A Titanic Chao), who are not Just Also looking for Ice but Vanilla as well. "Whoever the hell you are or whatever you're doing , Snakeface, just stay out of our way, We're searching for our execution victim Ice the Eagle, my ex-dad. He's under execution for divorcing my mother, causing her to Suicide."

"The Names Dr. Sylvester Von Robotnik," Said the Cobra Mutant introduced, "My minions Call me 'Psy-Cobra' and my experimented mutants and I are searching for Ice the Eagle ourselves for my scientific research, We're also on to Vanilla the Rabbit for giving Butt-man Paper cuts with her newspaper and Boogeyman Acne with a foam of cheese."

"Listen Psy-Cobra," Said Jack Frost, "He's supposed to be under Execution. Why use scientific research on our former king?"

"To see if it was an element from the Master Emerald, which my nephew Ivo is researching on. So, how about you, your armada, Me and My Mutation community, track down the Eagle & the Rabbit Together?"

But it was too late. . . Jack Frost, Grand Battle Bird 14th, the Armada, Psy-Cobra and his minions are surrounded By the Guerrilla Bears of the Acorn Army, Including Col. Butters Yamato and King Max Acorn. "You're ALL COMPLETELY SURROUNDED BY THE ORDER OF THE KING!!" Roared Col. Butters, "YOU ALL GET DOWN ON THE GROUND NOW OR WE WILL OPEN FIRE!!"

The Armada, Jack Frost, Grand Battle Bird 14th, Psy-Cobra and his minions were forced to do so. "Oh Bird drippings, It's the raid!!" Thought Jack Frost.

This is painful to read

should i bother giving c+c despite being very clear that you aren't listening to it?



Maybe you'll have more luck posting this story somewhere else, like a proper fanfic forum, than here, idk. I don't really feel this story at all

(07-16-2016, 04:35 PM)Harold_Roxby Wrote: [ -> ]Now where the hell was I. . .?

I can't tell if you're trying to be funny or this is how you actually talk...

Also, you seem to take Butters too seriously as a character. That's like a Mario fan actually treating Luigi like dirt because nearly everyone in the games disrespects him.

(07-16-2016, 04:35 PM)Harold_Roxby Wrote: [ -> ](@Phantom Killah) No, Phantom Killah, Col. Butters Cotch Yamato is NOT the Same Butters from South Park. Nobody cares about the Butters from South Park not even his parents unless they're overprotective (which is why he gets grounded TOOOOO Much). Now where the hell was I. . .?

If its not butters from south park then who is Butters cotch yamato
is he some sort of fan character? I tried googling him but i could not find anything on him.

Also is this jack frost the same from the shin megami tensei series. if so, why is he here?

(05-26-2016, 09:46 PM)Harold_Roxby Wrote: [ -> ]

"So you're royal?" Vanilla questioned, "I didn't know you used to be King of Babylon." Then hears the entrance coming from her parents, Col. Butters Cotch & Strawberry Yamato. "Oh hi mom. Hi dad."

"Butters Cotch."

Butters.

Cotch.

You know that most characters given food names usually don't have them broken up like that unless the food they're named after already contain separate words or could work as separate words broken up, especially in manga and anime where food names are the most common. South Park named their Butters better than you did as that one had the last name "Stotch" which sounds more like a real last name and not some old and/or obscure, slang term for naughty bits (just add another letter "o", or alternately a "r", to "Cotch" to get what I'm saying). Hell, if you gave him the last name "Scotch" it would make a lot more sense since Scotch is an actual last name.

As for "Strawberry Yamato", is sounds a lot better than Butters Cotch, but I do have something to say about that name as well. If she's supposed to be of Japanese descent like her name suggests, her first name would be "Ichigo" not "Strawberry". It would work quite well for her name because of the symmetrical, rhythmic nature of the name Ichigo Yamato. If you don't want that to be the case, since these are supposed to be Vanilla parents, I'd suggest against having the surname of Yamato. Most of the characters in the Sonic universe don't have last names, or if they do they're basic names that refer to something related to their species of animal or personality (i.e. Sally Acorn from SatAM the Archie comic series; Miles "Tails" Prower).

Since I already mentioned the typical naming conventions of Sonic characters, why not just have Vanilla's parents be named "Butterscotch the Rabbit" and "Strawberry the Rabbit"? They'd sound enough like what Sega and Sonic Team would name Cream grandparents assuming they would ever care to do so. Less is often more for fictional character naming conventions unless your last name is "Martin", "Pratchett" or "Jacques" where that's part of the point.