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+----- Thread: Left Hook, Plot Hook (/thread-12824.html)
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Left Hook, Plot Hook - GrooveMan.exe - 05-08-2010
There was a knock at the door, fast and angry.
I put down the poorly-written tabloid, and shuffled into the hallway; adjusting my dressing-gown for modesty. Without a word, I undid the bolt and pulled the door open - and violently jerked backwards to avoid the fist that was still pounding away, now at empty air.
It was him, as I expected. No big deal, we'd been through this before.
"Hey there!" I said, with a forced smile; suddenly wishing I was dressed in something less casual. "How has your day been?" He stormed straight past me, and didn't even bother to look around.
"Goddamn boring and dehydrating."
I could hear him stomp out of the hallway into the kitchen. "So have you got anything to drink, or what? I'm dying here." Shutting the door, I pursued him into the back. The fridge door was already open, and he was rooting through its contents.
He chose a carton of juice, and begin to chug directly from it - though he then realised that it was unsweetened grapefruit juice, and promptly spat it back out again.
I really should stop answering the front door.
RE: Left Hook, Plot Hook - Cobalt Blue - 05-08-2010
![[Image: 206636-plok_large.png]](http://media.giantbomb.com/uploads/0/2574/206636-plok_large.png)
that title
RE: Left Hook, Plot Hook - GrooveMan.exe - 05-08-2010
Plok hoot.
RE: Left Hook, Plot Hook - DadNier - 05-08-2010
(05-08-2010, 03:54 PM)Francisco Cifuentes Wrote:
that title
Tim Follin Hook
RE: Left Hook, Plot Hook - Gold - 05-08-2010
There was a knock at the door, fast and angry.
I put down the poorly-written tabloid, and shuffled into the hallway; adjusting my dressing-gown for modesty. Without a word, I undid the bolt and pulled the door open - and violently jerked backwards to avoid the fist that was still pounding away, now at empty air.
Mooman says (2:17 PM):
сделайте чего вы хотите потому что пират свободен
Vanilla Ice - If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice. says (2:17 PM):
It was him, as I expected. No big deal, we'd been through this before.
"Hey there!" I said, with a forced smile; suddenly wishing I was dressed in something less casual. "How has your day been?" He stormed straight past me, and didn't even bother to look around.
"Goddamn boring and dehydrating."
Vanilla Ice - If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice. says (2:18 PM):
I could hear him stomp out of the hallway into the kitchen. "So have you got anything to drink, or what? I'm dying here." Shutting the door, I pursued him into the back. The fridge door was already open, and he was rooting through its contents.
He chose a carton of juice, and begin to chug directly from it - though he then realised that it was unsweetened grapefruit juice, and promptly spat it back out again.
I really should stop answering the front door.
-kaia-anthony- [Roses have thorns, and silver fountains mud][perspective],-:~*~:-,. "Welcome to hell, my dear." ó.Ø says (2:18 PM):
O.o
-kaia-anthony- [Roses have thorns, and silver fountains mud][perspective],-:~*~:-,. "Welcome to hell, my dear." ó.Ø says (2:19 PM):
......What the hell you going on about?
Vanilla Ice - If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice. says (2:19 PM):
Hm?
Oh sorry, wrong window.
-kaia-anthony- [Roses have thorns, and silver fountains mud][perspective],-:~*~:-,. "Welcome to hell, my dear." ó.Ø says (2:20 PM):
.................................WUt????
Vanilla Ice - If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice. says (2:20 PM):
What?
-kaia-anthony- [Roses have thorns, and silver fountains mud][perspective],-:~*~:-,. "Welcome to hell, my dear." ó.Ø says (2:21 PM):
.....
I lost the game
Vanilla Ice - If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice. says (2:21 PM):
kranke Scheiße
-kaia-anthony- [Roses have thorns, and silver fountains mud][perspective],-:~*~:-,. "Welcome to hell, my dear." ó.Ø says (2:24 PM):
I'm just not gonna bother talking anymore..
Vanilla Ice - If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice. says (2:20 PM):
There was a knock at the door, fast and angry.
I put down the poorly-written tabloid, and shuffled into the hallway; adjusting my dressing-gown for modesty. Without a word, I undid the bolt and pulled the door open - and violently jerked backwards to avoid the fist that was still pounding away, now at empty air.
It was him, as I expected. No big deal, we'd been through this before.
"Hey there!" I said, with a forced smile; suddenly wishing I was dressed in something less casual. "How has your day been?" He stormed straight past me, and didn't even bother to look around.
"Goddamn boring and dehydrating."
I could hear him stomp out of the hallway into the kitchen. "So have you got anything to drink, or what? I'm dying here." Shutting the door, I pursued him into the back. The fridge door was already open, and he was rooting through its contents.
He chose a carton of juice, and begin to chug directly from it - though he then realised that it was unsweetened grapefruit juice, and promptly spat it ba
Will says (2:20 PM):
what
*?
Vanilla Ice - If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice. says (2:20 PM):
uice, and promptly spat it back out again.
I really should stop answering the front door.
Will says (2:21 PM):
sounds like you should be a writer
RE: Left Hook, Plot Hook - GrooveMan.exe - 05-08-2010
OMG Y U TAEK CREDIT 4 MAH SHITTY PROSE?!?!?
Also:
Quote:-kaia-anthony- [Roses have thorns, and silver fountains mud][perspective],-:~*~:-,. "Welcome to hell, my dear." ó.Ø says (2:20 PM):
.................................WUt????
My skin crawled. Just a lil.
RE: Left Hook, Plot Hook - GrooveMan.exe - 05-08-2010
No seriously, she sounds like dumb bitch.
RE: Left Hook, Plot Hook - Rhyme - 05-08-2010
You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Stranger: heyy
You: There was a knock at the door, fast and angry.
I put down the poorly-written tabloid, and shuffled into the hallway; adjusting my dressing-gown for modesty. Without a word, I undid the bolt and pulled the door open - and violently jerked backwards to avoid the fist that was still pounding away, now at empty air.
It was him, as I expected. No big deal, we'd been through this before.
"Hey there!" I said, with a forced smile; suddenly wishing I was dressed in something less casual. "How has your day been?" He stormed straight past me, and didn't even bother to look around.
"Goddamn boring and dehydrating."
I could hear him stomp out of the hallway into the kitchen. "So have you got anything to drink, or what? I'm dying here." Shutting the door, I pursued him into the back. The fridge door was already open, and he was rooting through its contents.
He chose a carton of juice, and begin to chug directly from it - though he then realised that it was unsweetened grapefruit juice, and promptly spat it back out again.
I really should stop answering the front door.
Stranger:
Stranger: that's prettty well written ;O
You: oh
You: thanks, stranger!
Stranger: no problemo O.o
Your conversational partner has disconnected.
RE: Left Hook, Plot Hook - Gold - 05-08-2010
You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
You: There was a knock at the door, fast and angry.
I put down the poorly-written tabloid, and shuffled into the hallway; adjusting my dressing-gown for modesty. Without a word, I undid the bolt and pulled the door open - and violently jerked backwards to avoid the fist that was still pounding away, now at empty air.
It was him, as I expected. No big deal, we'd been through this before.
"Hey there!" I said, with a forced smile; suddenly wishing I was dressed in something less casual. "How has your day been?" He stormed straight past me, and didn't even bother to look around.
"Goddamn boring and dehydrating."
I could hear him stomp out of the hallway into the kitchen. "So have you got anything to drink, or what? I'm dying here." Shutting the door, I pursued him into the back. The fridge door was already open, and he was rooting through its contents.
He chose a carton of juice, and begin to chug directly from it - though he then realised that it was unsweetened grapefruit juice, and promptly spat it back out again.
I really should stop answering the front door.
Stranger: hello
You: hey hey
You: I wrote that.
You: Just so you know.
You: And I'm only twelve so.
You: Yeah.
Stranger: are you writing a book?
You: Yes.
You: That is the first chapter! What do you think?
Stranger: niceee
Stranger: i think it's super!
You:
Stranger: really, you wrote it very nice
Stranger: i love to read books
You: Thank you U_U
You: Will you read my book?
Stranger: i defenitly will!
You: It might cost a lot of money though.
Stranger: work work work:d
You: I need to pay for doctor stuff so I will have to charge you a lot of money for it.
Stranger: aaah, like that
You: If you have a pay pal account I can set up a pre-order for you.
Your conversational partner has disconnected.
RE: Left Hook, Plot Hook - Gold - 05-08-2010
You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
You: Who
You: whoa
You: whao
You: aegsrh
You: dThere was a knock at the door, fast and angry.
I put down the poorly-written tabloid, and shuffled into the hallway; adjusting my dressing-gown for modesty. Without a word, I undid the bolt and pulled the door open - and violently jerked backwards to avoid the fist that was still pounding away, now at empty air.
It was him, as I expected. No big deal, we'd been through this before.
"Hey there!" I said, with a forced smile; suddenly wishing I was dressed in something less casual. "How has your day been?" He stormed straight past me, and didn't even bother to look around.
"Goddamn boring and dehydrating."
I could hear him stomp out of the hallway into the kitchen. "So have you got anything to drink, or what? I'm dying here." Shutting the door, I pursued him into the back. The fridge door was already open, and he was rooting through its contents.
He chose a carton of juice, and begin to chug directly from it - though he then realised that it was unsweetened grapefruit juice, and promptly spat it back out again.
I really should stop answering the front door.
Stranger: sick
Stranger: I get a story
You:
Stranger: next
You: kranke Scheiße
You: That's all I've written so far
You: That is just the first chapter!
Stranger: I see
Stranger: short story?
You: No it is going to be a biiiig novel
Stranger: oh yeah?
Stranger: you a published author?
Stranger: or just going for it?
You: yes
You: no...
I'm only 12. >.<"Stranger: you've got a very strong voice for being 12
Stranger: you should be proud
You: Thank you
You: What do you think about the grapefruit juice part?
Stranger: it's good
You: I think it SUCKS.
Stranger: well if you don't mind
Stranger: I'm actually a bit of a writer myself
You:
Stranger: and your imagery is good, but hold up
Stranger: He chose a carton of juice, and begin to chug directly from it - though he then realised that it was unsweetened grapefruit juice, and promptly spat it back out again.
Stranger: the reason you don't like it is because your wording is off
You: Oh?
Stranger: your imagery is fine
Stranger: though he then
Stranger: there's our problem
You: though he quickly realised ?
Stranger: cut the word though from it
Stranger: and you're golden
You: adn quickly realised?
Stranger: you should still be very proud (if you're actually 12 and not trolling me) your very strong
Stranger: well here
Stranger: we'll just fix your whole sentence
Stranger: He chose a carton of juice (remove comma) and began (you spelt it begin) to chug directly from it. (I would recommend ending your clause with a period)
Stranger: then we can move onto the next part
You: Thanks
Stranger: and this is a personal thing
Stranger: but your story is from the individual answering the door's point of view
Stranger: so... consider not even mentioning the fact that, "he realized" it was unsweetened
Stranger: the other character isn't in his mind
You: Do you think this might be too long for the first chapter though, or should I break it up / shorten it down?
You: Ooh thats a good idea
You:
*Stranger: if this is a big book
Stranger: this will probably be considered a very small chapter, actualy
Stranger: actually*
You: Oh...
Stranger: one more thing
You: So would I like just say that it was unsweetened and it must have caught it off guard or how do I deal wiht that now? >.<"
Stranger: I would go about it
Stranger: he spits it out
Stranger: and is like
Stranger: "Is this unsweetened?"
Stranger: your main character doesn't even have to reply
You: Ooh
Stranger: and you should be proud, that's a very good way to show his character
Stranger: I freaking hate grapefruit
Stranger: and he clearly does too
You: IS there any clue in the writing so far that he is actually a dinosaur or have I done a good job hiding the fact?
Stranger: hahaha
Stranger: Yeah there's... definately no indication that he's a dinosaur
You: Nice
Stranger: is that what's coming in later chapters?
You: Yeah. He's a fat dinosaur and is not a very nice guy. Also more people come who are actually other things. One person is even actually a BOAT!
Stranger: I see
Stranger: I got trolled like no one's business
Stranger: God damn
You:
Stranger: that was really good
You: *takes a bow*
Stranger: at first I thought you may be one
Stranger: but I was like, fuck it
Stranger: I'll go along
Stranger: and then the dinosaur part came
Stranger: and I was just like God damn it
Stranger: I got trolled
You: Well I /am/ only 12. Doens;t that sound like somethign a 12 year old would write?
Stranger: besides certain grammatical issues
Stranger: no
Stranger: it sounds much better
You: No, I mean the dinosaur part.
Stranger: oh yeah absolutely
Stranger: well hey, if that's actually your writing
Stranger: I recommend some of the advice
Stranger: but remember, this is your craft first and foremost
Stranger: only you can decide what stays and what goes, and only you should decide
You: mhm?
Stranger: yeah
Stranger: i'm beating a dead horse
Stranger: so i'm gonna bounce
You: lol m'kay.
You: I think I might actually make a serious attempt at the dinosaur and the boat people though.
Stranger: the boat person, I actually thought, would be neat
You: Yeah
You: I mean like
You: Just a person
You: And BAM
You: They've actually been a boat that entire time
Stranger: sounds cool
Stranger: don't be surprised if it confuses your reader though
You: lol yeah...
Stranger: take care
Your conversational partner has disconnected.
RE: Left Hook, Plot Hook - GrooveMan.exe - 05-08-2010
Wow, the random shit I banged out in 10 minues actually got critiqued
and it was by a random stranger
His suggestions were very much valid, too!
RE: Left Hook, Plot Hook - Chris2Balls [:B] - 05-08-2010
that last stranger was a cool guy
RE: Left Hook, Plot Hook - GaryASPG - 05-08-2010
this made me remember that story i never finished
RE: Left Hook, Plot Hook - water dog - 05-08-2010
im a story teller through my genious games i never make
RE: Left Hook, Plot Hook - DadNier - 05-08-2010
i'm a story teller through my enormous dick