Lyrics for band Onyx Coffin[NEW SONG UP]

[Gwen]

So as the title suggests, I'm writing songs for the band I will take as a serious project Onyx Coffin. The sound I'll try to go for is a Sludge Metal/ Punk aspect, and the lyrics sort of reflect that...
I'm going to own up, I've always liked writing, but Poetry and lyrics make me very nervous, so please let me know if there's any way I could improve them.

THAT BEING SAID, my first song I've completed is Onyx Knuckles, and it's basically about fists hitting stuff, and caving in faces, so pretty much it's about nothing but punching...God I'm terrible at explaining, but here's my cruddy lyrics.

Onyx Knuckles
By Dylan Jones

With the fury - of a hornets nest - taste the bite - of my onyx grip-
calling upon - my ancestor's strength - a whiplash of chaos - face and onyx meet - thrown aside - like a washed up ragdoll - FACE ME YOU BASTARD - you pathetic wretch - pummel you with - an onyx storm of fists-
OH (this is a shitty kind of welcoming roar that will lead to a solo maybe, or a sludgerific breakdown)
Backbone of onyx - my will is unbreakable - Earth is a battleground - I break down the rest - whirlwind of fists - onyx is everywhere - don't see me coming - annihilate you all - speed of the cobra - my fists find your face - caving in - I watch you die


so the - is pretty much where a line ends. Thoughts?

Encased In Doubts

By Dylan Jones

(Snarly scream or some other bullshit)

Fear holds you back|backed into a corner
Want to move forward|but reality hits
Fight with yourself|on what to do
In the end you choose|theres nothing you, can do

Chorus
Encased
In doubts~
Your life an array of no regrets
Encased
In doubts~
Because no choices were made

You feel so safe in your cocoon
but little you know|life will get to you
No life experience-let life pass you by!
Your false security|is your demise

Chorus repeat.

Life goes on|it's no surpise
Wishing you'd done|what your loved ones do
Watching your loved ones|your regret builds
Leaving you behind|your life one big indecision

Solo time or breakdown.

(End with Snarly bullshit scream possibly haven't decided)

I took huge amounts of inspiration from bands like Black Tusk and Kylesa who use a similar format for lyrics.
Edit: I guess to give more reference to the song, vocally I'd pretty much be shouting everything
Here's a band logo with backdrop. Shitty two minute Microsoft Paint job yeah!

[Sengir]

Goodness, now I'm tempted to write some lyrics of my own.

I can't give too much crits on metal lyrics or on written lyrics as much (I like knowing which syllables are accented) but it seems pretty good from what I can tell

though I'd like to suggest a passing reference to Pokemon

[Gwen]

heheh, a passing reference to Pokemon, I'll have to think of a song where I can do that

[Sengir]

[Gwen]

I see what you mean now, it'll be my mission find a way to reference him now.

[Shade]

That was.....intense! XD
I actually like it though, sounds like some kind of death metal song..

[Gwen]

You know, I can see this being a Death Metal project too... I guess whatever I'm best at vocally I'll go in that direction ^u^
Gawsh, now I'm daydreaming about touring with Cannibal Corpse

[Orgasmatron]

as someone with a musical project i usually only get a couple verses down that i like

keep it up

[Gwen]

Finished the prototype for Flannel Oath, I'll put it up in a bit.
EDITecided to work on it a little more, but I edited the OP with a band logo and backdrop.

[Gwen]

Double Post but new song! It's called Encased in Doubts.

Encased In Doubts

By Dylan Jones

(Snarly scream or some other bullshit)

Fear holds you back|backed into a corner
Want to move forward|but reality hits
Fight with yourself|on what to do
In the end you choose|theres nothing you, can do

Chorus
Encased
In doubts~
Your life an array of no regrets
Encased
In doubts~
Because no choices were made

You feel so safe in your cocoon
but little you know|life will get to you
No life experience-let life pass you by!
Your false security|is your demise

Chorus repeat.

Life goes on|it's no surpise
Wishing you'd done|what your loved ones do
Watching your loved ones|your regret builds
Leaving you behind|your life one big indecision

Solo time or breakdown.

(End with Snarly bullshit scream possibly haven't decided)

[Sengir]

In the last stanza you have two lines that are longer than the others, compared to the first stanza where all the lines are about the same.

I don't know if that was intentional though.


Also (OPINION) you could extend your songs to be longer and include a long guitar solo with some dark-sounding mumbled growled lyrics. Even if it's repetition I think it'd sound cool (though I don't know much sludgecore so I'm not a very good help with that!)

[Gwen]

Hrm, with those last two lines, I'll see if I can get them to fit the flow.
After my math test tomorrow I'll get to the drafting board, I think I have this thing with making overly short songs, because even though Sludgecore songs aren't generally long, mine are still shorter than most. Maybe I'll add some social issues in another stanza.
Thanks for the input!

EDIT: And I'll stop whoring out attention, I just like feedback that'd I go a bit to far heh
EDIT2: Eh, I'll be tired regardless tomorrow so there's another stanza

[Helmo]