[split] Spore Adventues

[Zee]

SPORE ADVENTURES
Chapter 2

Well clearly the other wildlife around here has no design ideas other than orange haze and soot-covered dirt. But really, we're the dominant species here, we ought to express our intelligence and prowess in forms other than stupid underbrush and dry matted earth. I mean hell, we're from the ocean, we can still swim, if anything we'd have a marsh.

This planet sucks.

Fine forget the nest, if I remember anything from my experience as a sea creature (and four and half billion years say that I CLEARLY remember that) it's that the corpses of animals have good evolutionary advances. Fuck, look at the Ass Spike, that paid off great, and it's not overcompensating for anything, GOT IT?!
Anyhow, I saw these ribs over by the next, of course nobody shared, we're rugged and hardy. Hell, if anything these bones are a godsend for me, the smart one, to take advantage of the wonders that nature bestows upon the smartest of the Face-Chompers.

Or a subtle message I need to invent the thigh-master first. I'll need thumbs for that.

Ok, that was a disappointment, but whatever. The wife is talking to me, normally I tune this out, but she's in heat and if I don't listen to her, I might not get any. Wait... the fruit? Ugh, disgusting. Oh, if I eat it, I'll get some action. Oh please, we've eaten meat since the beginning and she wants me to eat meat. Why the absurdity of it all.

I SAW IT FIRST! IT'S MINE!

Yeah, I am a MAN. Did you see the way I tore up that fruit? Fuck yeah, I am the kin-urp-king. Wait, what's this feeling. Normally food keeps going down to my cornhole. Wait, I don't eat corn. What IS corn anyways? -urp- Oh lord this is horrible. It feels like... like acid and its.

HORK!! Wait... wait... I'm do- HORK!! Oh god... what're these little yellow chunks... wait... corn?! HORK!!

Ok... fuck her, I'm going out for a bit. I'm gonna go around and see what these other creatures are. I mean, really, you can see them from the nest, they're watching us, like peeping toms. I'm gonna go have a word with them. Hey, you, red guy!

Uhm, that's sorta copyright infringement buddy.

Yeah, I told you to stop looking at my wife. I don't care if she looks like YOUR wife, she's mine. I killed the other male for her last week, I own her. Wait, what're you talking about women aren't objects? Of course they are, you fight for em and murder for em, and then you smack them upside the head when they make you eat fruit. Like this.

See, I had to get RIAA on your ass.

Huh, I think that fruit's done something a bit bad. I... I think I'm feeling kinda dizzy...

So that's what green looks like.

After a night of stumbling around in the woods and spooking that jackass who lives next door, I decide to come home to my wife. After the trip that fruit put me on, oh, I gotta bop her one. Hey Honey!

Wait, whose kids are those?

Oh god damnit Helen. I was out on a fruit bender for one night and you sleep with the whole nest? Ugh, serves me right for not killing those other guys, even if they're my brothers. Now you listen, you get your ass in that nest, I'm gonna make us a baby.

Guess whose horny? Yeah, this joke was coming, we all knew it.

Through careful genetic engineering and more than a little bit of voodoo I 'evolved' into a new appearance. "Generation 6". Mhm, that sounds like a perfectly reasonable name for it. More horns, those useless swim thingies obviously don't make a difference on DRY LAND so they served a better use as wings. And those facial horns, well, a trip to the hornodontist fixed that right up. See, next years fashion just an evolutionary leap away!

Can I get my bitches up in here and check me out? I am DAMN fine.

Well, this isn't all for show, some of it does have a purpose. And well, I had to get a little help from mom to figure out how to handle my new body. Evolutionary puberty sucks. So, she started up some schooling for me and I think, well, I think it paid off.

I think mom finds me a little slow.

After that grueling test session with mom, I think I learned everything. For homework she told me to find the highest cliff and 'trust my instincts to carry me'. That was a lot of bullshit, I'm gonna use my wings instead. I am a great flier, and everybody's gotta know it. So here I am on Mount Itsahill, ready for takeoff.

This seemed shorter from the bottom.

Oh well, time to take the plunge. Here goes nothing!

Oh shit. Right, that's what they mean by look before you leap.

My life flashed before my eyes, something about an asteroid, and meat chunks and I think an obsession with asses or something. Oh well, that really didn't mean much, I had to stick the landing, better deploy the emergency landing gear.

Disadvantage of diving headfirst into everything.

So later that week when my wife got off her knees and come to get me down, I had forgotten most things. Mostly, I'd forgotten that eating food was a good thing. I'm just lucky my wife, who is pregnant with her fifteenth child right now, didn't eat me instead. I decided to consult my long-time friend, the hermit crab, he's such a good listener.

Maybe he's just using the bathroom, he told me he'd let me know if he was moving.

Anyway, I was on the beach and I heard this strange thing. It wasn't like a call or anything it was... it was like noise that wasn't noise. Where was it coming from? I better go check it out.

A Jonas Brohers song. Genocidal urges rising!

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