Talking with fack capitain kirk

[Gollum]

I realized it was cutting off the convo.

Lieutenant: Y... You cut me off!
Fake Kirk: I don't know. There's been a mistake.
Lieutenant: You bet your ass there has been! I made a mistake by enlisting with you!
Fake Kirk: Lieutenant, you have the conn. Put it on audio.
Lieutenant: She's a crimminal to? FINE! Janice, it's kirk, baby.
Fake Kirk: Stabbed, a dozen times. And get these tribbles off the bridge. An improved breed of human. That's what the Eugenics War was all about.
Lieutenant: Of course, we should have known all along, Captain! Use the energy staffs to clear the bridge. This Lieutenant is cute, by the way.
Fake Kirk: Lieutenant saved your life. What did you offer the others if they won? Ma'am.
Lieutenant: ... My virginity. *blushes, white facial fur turning a deep shade of blue*
Fake Kirk: Are you that anxious to die? Any contact, Lieutenant?
Lieutenant: I'm sorry captain... I was desperate. I'll put him back on.
Fake Kirk: Time we faced the unpleasant facts. Who was? Mister Baris, I'll hold you in irons if you don't shut up.
Lieutenant: ... What? You're talking to me, not her, captain. Though I must say, irons would be fun...
Fake Kirk: Any of you feel dizzy when we were in the transporter beam? Very kind of you, Lieutenant. I'd say our strategy wasn't totally effective.
Lieutenant: Your going in circles again
Fake Kirk: We're not going anywhere.
Lieutenant: That's because you're going in circles.
Fake Kirk: Because why?. We're not going anywhere.
Lieutenant: ... Can I just pleasure her?
Fake Kirk: I place you in the hands of our chess master. (gets up and leaves).
Lieutenant: Uh oh
Fake Kirk: Make course for Starbase Twelve.. Security, this is the captain. Find Lieutenant and bring him to the bridge.
Lieutenant: ... Shit, they found my space weed!
Fake Kirk: There is no need for that kind of vulgarity. Lieutenant: Fuck off, you won't take me alive!
Fake Kirk: Lieutenant, don't speak to me that way.
Lieutenant: I'll speak to you however I damn well please! Enough of this lieutenant shit, I am AVEN! CLERIC WARRIOR OF THE OLD ONES!
Fake Kirk: Time factor.. In Bela's office? There is no need for that kind of vulgarity. Red Alert. Deflectors full power. Phaser banks ready.
Lieutenant: Yes, ready your pityful weapons, mortals! You will never triumph over my gods or myself!
Fake Kirk: Can you take us to their village while it's still dark?. Go. Or disobey an order from her.
Lieutenant: Captain! Oh god, help! It's got me, lieutenant turned into some kind of monster, I managed to run into another room, but the blast doors won't hold long! Oh, gods, Captain, I'm so scared! Please, send troops to hallway Q-w67, hurry! OH GODS< OH GODS IT'S MELTING IT'S WAY THROUGH THE CORNERS OF THE ROOM! AAAAAGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH! AAAAG-
Fake Kirk: Stand by, Lieutenant. The alien creatures on Deneva have been destroyed. Less than seven thousand to one. Well, getting better. Getting better.. Where are they? Tell me! You said you'd let them go! Go to the engineering station. Give information on actor Karidian prior to Kodos' death. I'd like you to teach me that sometime. Why? Just to maintain a supply of zoo specimens? Lieutenant, how many of them did you get aboard?
Lieutenant: CAPTAIN! PLEASE! I DONT HAVE MUCH TIME! HE'S IN THE ROOM, OH GOD HE'S RUNNING HIS TENTACLES UP MY LEGS! *hysterical sobbing*
Fake Kirk: What is it, Lieutenant? And will you be able to determine if that beam is harming me in the slightest? Well, if you don't think you can handle it. Good. I shall remember to mention your alertness to him. Return to your duty. Power astern, half speed.
Lieutenant: You fool, I no longer choose to follow YOUR orders! Now the girl will die for your acts!
Fake Kirk: But why would he want to kill only two of us? All this. Self-inflicted. Mass suicide.
Lieutenant: Yes, they are returning now. Suicides can only be expected, Kirk. The Old Ones are causing your specie's dreamers and eccentrics to go mad. It won't be long now, the stars are almost right!
Fake Kirk: The fuel bins, Lieutenant. Could they be detonated from here?. There are no previous records to Anton Karidian prior to twenty years ago. Yes, of course. What does it mean, we are Lieutenant? Don't you take shelter?
Lieutenant: *pulls her arm free from the grip of what was once lieutenant and fires her phaiser at the fuel bins* AGAAAAG!!! AAAAA-
Fake Kirk: Besides, it isn't necessary. The chart said the tunnels meet further on. How about it, Lieutenant?
Lieutenant: *a massive explosion rocks the ship sending Janice flying from the daemon creature's grasp, as it is engulfed with flame*
Fake Kirk: Yeah. It might be the most suitable memorial at that.
Lieutenant: *Aven screams as the flames consume his body slowly, screeching with the agony of athousand tortured souls in hell*
Fake Kirk: That's the problem, Lieutenant. We have only questions. No answers.
Lieutenant: What was that thing then, Captain?
Fake Kirk: Spock knows.
Lieutenant: Captain... Spocks dead.
Fake Kirk: Kirk out. What is it? Lieutenant? Lieutenant: He died trying to protect me from Liutenant when he started to mutate.
Fake Kirk: I don't know. Green! (Green arrives) Did you see this?
Lieutenant: Yes captain, an awful site. Spock tried to save her, but the phasers did nothing to him but cause anger. He pick Spock up and snapped him in two...
Fake Kirk: Lieutenant, what are you staring at?. Lieutenant Van Gelder? Then we'll take him with us. He's no spy.
Lieutenant: Captain, I know I'm not a member of this ship, but after what that monster did when it was alive.... What might it do once it's dead?
Fake Kirk: Well, certainly no ordinary thief, considering what it is you appropriated. So we're stranded here, in the middle of a Klingon occupation army.
Lieutenant: I'm sorry captain. *a silvery tear falls from her big purple eyes*
Fake Kirk: Don't say any more. I have my reasons, and I'll make them clear to you in my own good time.
Lieutenant: Captain... Does that mean that those leagends about the Old Gods were true?
Fake Kirk: What's going on down there? As soon as we get out of the way, beam the body up.
Lieutenant: But captain, we don't know what it's capable of!
Fake Kirk: A calculated risk, Lieutenant.
Lieutenant: Captain, protocal states that we should not bring a dangerous life form on board. My answer remains no. *swishes her tail defiantly*
Fake Kirk: Bridge to engineering. Begin full braking power. Then what kills a healthy man. Transporter room, on the double.
Lieutenant: Fine, do what you want. But be warned, I sense dark things in the future.
Fake Kirk: Where is everybody? Let's see some more of these unscientific hypotheses, Lieutenant.
Lieutenant: Yes, I'll search of survivors. Janice out.

I know; get out, stop posting, Jesus lizard you're such a distinguished gentleman.
;__;