[writing] Gucci Mane: Shut Up And Jam!

[GaryASPG]

The condensation dripped down the StarBucks coffee cup. The sweat dripped down Gucci Mane's forehead. It was 9 AM. Every day at 9 AM Gucci would come to StarBucks and get one cup of coffee. Every day he would sit down with his one cup of coffee and drink every drop from the cup. After he emptied the cup of it's coffee he would throw away the cup, adjust his Ray Ban sunglasses, and step into the back seat of his limo. This was a normal day for Gucci, a day just like any other day. However, that was the only normal thing that happened to Gucci that day.

As Gucci sat down he gestured to the driver that he wanted to go to his studio. It was 9:30 AM. Gucci arrived at his studio, calm and collected as he usually was. He was wearing his Bart Simpson chain today. As he walked through the door of his studio he noticed something strange.

There were alot of white people in the room.

Now, bare in mind, Gucci was not racist toward white people or any other race for that matter. As long as they bought his album, he was okay with other races existing. But what really threw Gucci off was, to his knowledge, there were no black men in the room. Or women, for that matter. "What's going on?", Gucci thought to himself, "Where's Tyrone? Where's Will? Where's Wakka Flocka?!"

Gucci stepped out of his studio to try and get a grip on the situation. It was 9:45 AM. The first thought that went through his mind was some racist group, possibly the KKK or Mcdonalds, killed all of the black people in his studio. He dismissed this after he saw his white security guards were still there. That's when Gucci's eyes widened to the size of oranges. "White... security guards..?". All of Gucci's security guards were black so ... how could this be?

Gucci proceeded to walk up to one of the security guards who had a big grin on his face.

"Brrrrrrr!!" Gucci said as he did a wacky little dance. The guard started to giggle. Gucci didn't like this. He grabbed the guard by his collar and pressed his body against a wall. "BRRRRRRR!!!!!" yelled Gucci, spitting saliva all over the guards face. The guard trembled and ran away screaming like a little girl, his gun flopping in the wind.

Gucci still couldn't understand the situation. It was 9:50 AM or something. After dealing with only white people for the last few minutes, Gucci needed to hear some rap music, possibly a new Soulja Boy single. He grabbed a radio from inside his studio and turned it on. The first station was Country music, so Gucci quickly changed it. Another Country music station. Changed it again, another. And another. And another! All the radio stations were nothing but Country music! "What the... What the DONALD DUCK!?" Gucci thought to himself as he did another wacky little dance.

Gucci ran through the streets of New York City, pushing over any white people who were in his way. They tried to appologize for being in the way, but Gucci was going way too fast and way too hard to hear them. He looked up at the billboards and saw nothing but ads for American Eagle and Eminem. Gucci's world had been turned completely upside down. This had to be a dream, it just had to be! But it wasn't, this was reality and Gucci was trying to run from it. After running out of breathe and swag, he sat down on a bench with a white lady holding a little white baby sitting next to him.

"Ey shawty, how you is? I's a bit confused as of this moment, ya feel me? I feel like I need some lemonade or somethin'. I'm fittin' to get silly, ya heard?!" Gucci calmly said to the woman sitting next to him. The woman stared in disbelief, or possibly shock, as Gucci did yet another silly little dance. She opened her mouth to speak but before she could utter a word Gucci had ran off toward the White House.

It was 10:00 AM. Gucci knew the only option he had left was to go talk to Obama. He would know what to do, or in the very least, what was going on. As Gucci entered the doors of the White House he did a silly dance as his Bart chain began to swing back and forth. Gucci's swagger stunned the white people in the main lobby so much so that they couldn't breathe and all passed out. Gucci didn't have time for this foolishness however and headed straight for the Oval Office.
The doors flew open like a metaphor of some sort. Gucci stepped through them to find the president's desk and a chair facing the opposite direction of him. Gucci assumed Obama was sitting in the chair so he said "YAHHHH!! If it ain't my n-word Obama!! Man, there is some serious crazy shit goin' on out there, ya feel me?! BRRRR!!". The chair turned around slowly, eventually the person in it facing Gucci.

It was 11:30 AM. The person in the chair was George W. Bush.

The first words that entered Gucci's head were "What the f-", which was interupted by a curious George (pardon the pun) who said to him "Ah yes, if it isn't Gucci Mane. The Guccinator. Gucci Boochi. Bet you were expecting Obama to be sitting in this chair, weren't you? Well to bad! Booya! The G.W.B. is back in effect and it's time to get my Bush on!". George lept out of the chair and started doing a silly little dance. Despite the situation, Gucci decided to join in.

After Gucci and George went pretty hard, George came to his senses and called the guards. Gucci, quick on his feet, jumped out of the nearby window. Unfortunately, he was on the 3rd story of the White House. It was 11:35 AM. Gucci's brain and blood were splattered all over the concrete pavement. Things weren't looking good for our hero Gucci.

Before George or anyone else could get to his body, a heavily clothed individual snatched it up, threw it in the trunk of his car, and sped off. Hours later, Gucci's eyes opened. It was 3 PM. Gucci looked around at his new surroundings. He noticed his entire discography was laying next to the bed he was sitting in as well as a cup of StarBucks coffee. Gucci looked to the other side of him and saw a white man in a labcoat. He quickly grabbed the man and wrestled him to the ground.

"Who is you? WHO IS YOU?!" Gucci yelled as he pushed the man's face into the ground. "Gucci, Gucci! Calm down! It's me, Asher Roth!" said Asher as Gucci let his grip off of Asher's neck. Asher got up and grabbed a clipboard.

"Now, Gucci, you're probably wondering where you are and what's going on. Well, I'm here to fill you in on the situation.", said Asher, "Alright, first off, you're here because you jumped from the third story of the White House. Not the best idea, but I can't blame you for trying. Now, you obviously died so you're probably wondering how you're alive now. Well, to put it simply, I robbed Tony Stark. And Clark Kent. I rebuilt your entire body with the frame of Iron Man, so you look the exact same as you did before the fall. I also replaced your brain with Clark Kent's, so now you have super powers. Anyway, you're probably even more confused about why there are no more black people in the world. Well, George basically made this really big lazer thing and he shot a beam from it into space; the lazer beam reflected off of the space shuttle and covered the entire world with "anti-black" rays. These rays caused every black man on Earth's skin to become incredibly light and their brain's to shrink to the size of a white man's. In a sense, all black people on Earth are white now. Except for you."

"Ay yea, I understand all them words you said but hear me, hear me: how I not get effected by the beam, know what I mean?! Brrrrr!" said Gucci as he made a funny face.

"Ah, yes, knew you were going to ask that. See, your Bart chain contains Magnesium which is an element that blocks the effect of the anti-black beams. Unfortunately, no other chains contain this element, or any other clothes. So, therefore, you were the only one to remain black. It's simple science!" said Asher as he waved his clipboard around for no reason.

"BRRRRRRRR!!" Gucci said as he did a silly dance. Asher gestured to Gucci for him to follow him as he walked toward the entrance of the still unknown building. As Gucci exited through the doors he put on his Ray Ban sunglasses and turned his swag on.

"Alright Gucci, now that you're outside I'm going to explain how your powers wo-"

"'EY YO FLIP THAT BISCUIT IM FITTIN' TO GO SUPER SAYIAN" Gucci yelled as he slowly started levitating off the ground. Gucci pushed his feet out and within a second he was 300 feet in the air. He could see the whole city from that height so he scoped the area until he found the White House. Quickly, he pushed himself toward it. As he landed on the ground he noticed that all the white people in the main entrance had, yet again, passed out from just how much swag Gucci had.
"'Ey I got me some lemonade!! Brrrrr!!" he screamed as he ran through the entrance of the White House. To his surprise he found out that one of his superpowers was that his voice turned white people black! The whiteness of everyone in the room quickly faded, their pants started to fall below their waist, and you could practically see the swag energy circulating in the air.

Gucci opened the doors of the Oval Office. It was 5 PM or 6 PM, I don't know. Smoke billowed from the opening and a life-size replica of Optimus Prime stepped forward. The head of Optimus opened up. George was sitting inside. Gucci, thinking quick, dusted his shoulder off and punched George square in the jaw. George fell from the Optimus replica to the ground, wiping the blood from his mouth.

"Is that all you've got Gucci? You think you can defeat me, do you?! Haha! Funny thing!" he said as his hair turned golden. George Bush had just gone super sayian. It was 5:05 or 6:05 PM.

Gucci fell to his knees. He didn't know what to do. He knew he couldn't defeat such an enormous power. He was simply no match. He had been out-swagged. Suddenly, he had a flashback to his past. A young Gucci was sitting with a young Lil Wayne, sitting in a sand box. "If you ever feel like you fittin' to be defeated, especially by a white man, just know that all us n-words got yo' back. Oh yeah, and if I get locked up, pay my bail. Get at me." young Lil Wayne said as Gucci's memory started to fade.

Gucci rose to his feet, he knew what he had to do. He held his hands to the sky and said "N-WORDS OF THE EARTH, LEND ME YOUR SWAG! LEND ME THE POWER TO DEFEAT THIS CRACKER! LEND ME YOUR SWAG NOW! LEND IT TO ME! YOUR SWAG, LEND IT! I NEED YO' SWAG! BRRRRR!". Suddenly, a giant ball of light began to grow and grow between Gucci's extended hands. The ball grew so large that it bursted threw the ceiling and knocked George to his knees. He could only look up at the ball of swag energy and await his doom.

Not wasting time, Gucci threw the ball of energy at George, disintegrating his entire body in less than a second. The ball of swag slowly faded, a giant hole in the floor of the Oval office. Gucci jumped in the hole and did a silly little dance. All the black people of the world joined in. It would later become a music video for Gucci Mane's new single, Gucci Saved Da World B*tch!