09-22-2010, 04:44 PM
(This post was last modified: 09-22-2010, 04:44 PM by LeleleleMAXIMUM.)
CRITICISM
ehem
1. you mix up your verb tenses a lot. this is basic grammar. make it more consistent. you can't go, "Mario walks towards a tree. He was holding a basket." unless you mean he WAS holding a basket and has now somehow let go of the basket.
2. finish your sentences. make sure there's a whole idea. "He took a big bite out of it, as he enjoyed it." as he enjoyed it, what? a good tip is try to ask your sentences one question, and see if the sentence makes sense as an answer. for example:
"what did mario do?"
"did he enjoy it?"
currently, it's some weird sentence splice that doesn't make sense.
3. be mindful of the words you use. make sure you aren't using words for the hell of it. why is it a simple pizza? is mario trying to stir conversation because he is currently not successful at it? be aware of what words connote/imply/whatever. the fact that mario is "trying" could connote that so far their picnic has been awkwardly devoid of conversation.
4. you are telling this story the way a boring third grader would describe brawl (especially the first part. that isn't story-telling, that's "i want to kill you with boredom"-ing.). why don't you just allow the action to take place; instead of telling us that "the princess was interested," show us how she rested her head on her hands and smiled as she listened to mario talk? also, "droning on" connotes that peach is bored of mario's talking.
5. ORIGINALITY. CREATIVITY. ditch the brawl characters. the brawl storyline itself was just a fucking excuse to have all these characters together. it wasn't meant for reading or some such. instead, why don't you take Mario in another direction? what if he's deranged and it's actually HE who keeps on kidnapping Peach from Bowser? maybe the "Mario Brothers" is actually a mafia of sorts, with monopoly of shrooms and control of the sewage system, which happens to be how everyone travels distant places? you're doing this for a game, but make sure the story gives way to creativity, too. make your players go, "ohhhh shiiii, why didn't i think of that?"
6. read a lot more. reading leads to better vocab, better grasp of the language and its nuances, vicarious experience, etc. just. read. more.
ehem
1. you mix up your verb tenses a lot. this is basic grammar. make it more consistent. you can't go, "Mario walks towards a tree. He was holding a basket." unless you mean he WAS holding a basket and has now somehow let go of the basket.
2. finish your sentences. make sure there's a whole idea. "He took a big bite out of it, as he enjoyed it." as he enjoyed it, what? a good tip is try to ask your sentences one question, and see if the sentence makes sense as an answer. for example:
"what did mario do?"
"did he enjoy it?"
currently, it's some weird sentence splice that doesn't make sense.
3. be mindful of the words you use. make sure you aren't using words for the hell of it. why is it a simple pizza? is mario trying to stir conversation because he is currently not successful at it? be aware of what words connote/imply/whatever. the fact that mario is "trying" could connote that so far their picnic has been awkwardly devoid of conversation.
4. you are telling this story the way a boring third grader would describe brawl (especially the first part. that isn't story-telling, that's "i want to kill you with boredom"-ing.). why don't you just allow the action to take place; instead of telling us that "the princess was interested," show us how she rested her head on her hands and smiled as she listened to mario talk? also, "droning on" connotes that peach is bored of mario's talking.
5. ORIGINALITY. CREATIVITY. ditch the brawl characters. the brawl storyline itself was just a fucking excuse to have all these characters together. it wasn't meant for reading or some such. instead, why don't you take Mario in another direction? what if he's deranged and it's actually HE who keeps on kidnapping Peach from Bowser? maybe the "Mario Brothers" is actually a mafia of sorts, with monopoly of shrooms and control of the sewage system, which happens to be how everyone travels distant places? you're doing this for a game, but make sure the story gives way to creativity, too. make your players go, "ohhhh shiiii, why didn't i think of that?"
6. read a lot more. reading leads to better vocab, better grasp of the language and its nuances, vicarious experience, etc. just. read. more.
![[Image: ZRdfkWQ.jpg]](http://i.imgur.com/ZRdfkWQ.jpg)