01-01-2011, 03:30 AM
You use "suddenly" twice really close to each other and it's not a good idea to use the same word like that. There's a string of sentences structured like...how do I put this
Subordinate clause, independent clause or whatever on earth you call these
"Eventually, they find her hiding in the engine room, where she tells them that the Lumas have been affected as well. Without the Lumas' magical power, Rosalina is powerless. When the evil Lumas find the gang, they flee to the nearest Sling Star that leads them to Yoshi's Island..."
When your sentence patterns repeat each other like that it starts to sound kind of robotic so it's good to create variation
There's also no dialogue. Dialogue in Mario things tend to be...rather silly and plagued with bad accents, but without it the whole thing feels lacking
Subordinate clause, independent clause or whatever on earth you call these
"Eventually, they find her hiding in the engine room, where she tells them that the Lumas have been affected as well. Without the Lumas' magical power, Rosalina is powerless. When the evil Lumas find the gang, they flee to the nearest Sling Star that leads them to Yoshi's Island..."
When your sentence patterns repeat each other like that it starts to sound kind of robotic so it's good to create variation
There's also no dialogue. Dialogue in Mario things tend to be...rather silly and plagued with bad accents, but without it the whole thing feels lacking
![[Image: sxv5uJR.gif]](http://i.imgur.com/cqpCy.gif)