07-13-2011, 12:53 PM
W...wow, that certainly is a short short.
I don't mean to be harsh, but there's a lack of real substance there, and a good collection of grammatical mistakes, repeated phrases and lackluster storytelling.
Take a look at how many times you wrote "the squire" and "the knight", even just the repetition of "he" and "his" is enough to ruin the flow, to say nothing of the naive sentence structure in the main paragraph.
Try reading a single page from a book you like, particularly from an author you like if applicable, and pay attention to how their writing leads you, each sentence should be something new and should almost push you along to the next, the actual "reading" itself should feel as effortless as just gliding your eyes across the page.
I'm by no means a professional writer or anything, but since this is particularly short, I could hammer out a quick rewriting of it for comparison if you'd like, could be a good practical example of what I mean.
I don't mean to be harsh, but there's a lack of real substance there, and a good collection of grammatical mistakes, repeated phrases and lackluster storytelling.
Take a look at how many times you wrote "the squire" and "the knight", even just the repetition of "he" and "his" is enough to ruin the flow, to say nothing of the naive sentence structure in the main paragraph.
Try reading a single page from a book you like, particularly from an author you like if applicable, and pay attention to how their writing leads you, each sentence should be something new and should almost push you along to the next, the actual "reading" itself should feel as effortless as just gliding your eyes across the page.
I'm by no means a professional writer or anything, but since this is particularly short, I could hammer out a quick rewriting of it for comparison if you'd like, could be a good practical example of what I mean.