How'd you make a 3D Donkey Kong game?

[Garamonde]

DK64 was crap. It's like Rare played Banjo-Kazooie and thought "How can we fuck this up?"

And they they figured out how:
-Those collectables? People like those, right? Why don't we make a bunch more of them, and then make it so that only certain characters can pick them up. And even though you have access to all of the characters, you have to backtrack half a stage to swap just to get three banana coins that are useless anyway because once you've got your upgrades we just have a billion of them sitting around for no good reason.
-Oh, and what if the detection is only slightly off? Clipping is serviceable, but it's a little shoddy. Sometimes you'll grab a ledge you're not supposed to grab and get stuck in an endless loop of your character trying to pull himself up on top of it, and then it's too thin, so the clipping forces back into the grabbing frames. And it'll just repeat, cause who cares? Also, the controls are slippery like everything is covered in goddamn banana peels.
-And on top of that, we can make every sound effect for every character ear-bleedingly, cloyingly awful so that after Tiny jumps three times, the player will be hunting for the mute button. So they all make sounds for every action, and they all make it every time. And it's all akin to the sounds a baby choking on a vuvuzela while being tossed down a gorge might make. Hmm, is there any way we can make an announcer everyone will hate, too?
-Also, randomly make a Golden Banana impossible to fucking get unless you're Superman on crack. Gamers love impossible challenges.

S-Someone's got a banana peel up his hiney...