07-23-2014, 08:53 PM
I think what Kosheh meant is that in your explanation, you actually included existing personal stuff that probably shouldn't be mentioned, for instance:
It might just be me, but that passage isn't good for this sort of game. If this were a game that was trying to convey some deep, thoughtful message and evoke emotions within the player (and I actually support these sort of games) then maybe it would be OK, but I can tell this game isn't trying to do that. This game is delivering a fictional adventure in an interactive manner, so inserting personal (and somewhat uncomfortable) snippets of your experiences isn't exactly fitting.
Another thing is that it seems to have been written more like a novel or short story, rather than a video game story. There are a good number of bits that you've written that are a bit over-descriptive, and are honestly just unnecessary. You've given detailed descriptions of the refs of PK, Dazz, and Gors, while almost everybody who will read this already knows what they look like, and in-game you'll see them.
There are also some parts of the story that I can't see happening in a point-and-click perspective. For example:
This would, at best, be somehow portrayed as a cutscene with narration. However I don't see this happening, and being completely honest it makes it a bit of a drag to read. As I understand this, it's supposed to give us an idea of the general story and setting, and what the whole thing's about. 8 paragraphs into this, very little has actually happened, and that's what a point-and-click game is: stuff happening, story progressing, the player exercising their mind.
As you said, you took inspiration from the Rareware instruction booklets, but those would usually be read by people playing the game, and often just as elaboration or "extra content" after they've already played it. For a development story outline, it's much too in-depth and descriptive, and not very practical in terms of giving people who might help/work on the game the most important points.
Don't take any of this the wrong way, your story isn't necessarily bad and I still think the game is a great idea. I'm just giving feedback that will hopefully help refine and improve the story. I need to be able to visualise this in game form, and at the moment I can't.
Quote:While E-Man is a kind and overall helpful boy who almost always means well, some people cannot help but get irritated by him. Sometimes it's his overall cheerfulness that almost feels fake and forced at times, while other times it could be how he could be clueless about a few things in life. Also, there could be times that E-Man unintentionally say something that rubs people the wrong way, and this has caused E-Man a lot of grief more than once in his life.
It might just be me, but that passage isn't good for this sort of game. If this were a game that was trying to convey some deep, thoughtful message and evoke emotions within the player (and I actually support these sort of games) then maybe it would be OK, but I can tell this game isn't trying to do that. This game is delivering a fictional adventure in an interactive manner, so inserting personal (and somewhat uncomfortable) snippets of your experiences isn't exactly fitting.
Another thing is that it seems to have been written more like a novel or short story, rather than a video game story. There are a good number of bits that you've written that are a bit over-descriptive, and are honestly just unnecessary. You've given detailed descriptions of the refs of PK, Dazz, and Gors, while almost everybody who will read this already knows what they look like, and in-game you'll see them.
There are also some parts of the story that I can't see happening in a point-and-click perspective. For example:
Quote:E-Man didn't catch that PK was going to tell him about the interesting circumstances of his bet and he was already moving to give Gors his gift before the event started. Before PK went back inside to sort Gors' manga collection (which is actually him just reading as many issues as he can), he let out the kind of sigh a parent gives when their child is acting hyper, yet still lovable.
This would, at best, be somehow portrayed as a cutscene with narration. However I don't see this happening, and being completely honest it makes it a bit of a drag to read. As I understand this, it's supposed to give us an idea of the general story and setting, and what the whole thing's about. 8 paragraphs into this, very little has actually happened, and that's what a point-and-click game is: stuff happening, story progressing, the player exercising their mind.
As you said, you took inspiration from the Rareware instruction booklets, but those would usually be read by people playing the game, and often just as elaboration or "extra content" after they've already played it. For a development story outline, it's much too in-depth and descriptive, and not very practical in terms of giving people who might help/work on the game the most important points.
Don't take any of this the wrong way, your story isn't necessarily bad and I still think the game is a great idea. I'm just giving feedback that will hopefully help refine and improve the story. I need to be able to visualise this in game form, and at the moment I can't.