Paper Mario help wanted

[Kosheh]

Good. Because I had a shell of a time working on it! :0)

I only did the first two and a half pages though. I figured it'd probably be good to do just that part, rather than set myself up for disappointment if I did the entire thing and you didn't like it. :/

So here's the changes I made

BAD NEWS: I DID A LOT
GOOD NEWS: I CHANGED WORDS AND STUFF NOT WHAT THEY ACTUALLY SAID

They all had pretty flat personalities. Sorry. I cleaned them up a bit, mostly just swapping words and occasionally adding them for flavor. But, as for personalities, I HOPE I had the right idea.  I kinda went by their little mannerisms in Paper Mario (the taunting and jeering), though tried to give them a TTYD spunk.

Here's what I came up with:
Red: A leader. Hotheaded, quick to scare, and quick to discipline his teammates verbally. I kinda imagined Raphael and Leonardo, and the Red Power Ranger rolled up into one writing the character, so he's written very colloquially.
Black: Strong, silent type. Only opens his mouth when he's got something to share. Actually the smart one, he gets Red and has good rapport with the team. I had Donatello in mind while writing him, so while written colloquially, he doesn't use all the mannerisms that the rest of the Bros. use.
Yellow: Quick to please Red - though it's mostly because he fears Red's retribution. Written like a suck-up, not like a Ninja Turtle. Originally was going to write him like Raphael due to his behavior in PM1, until I realized his dialogue just doesn't allow for it.
Green: A bit of a ham and sly with words, he's often shot down by Red even though he makes some good points ): Uses a lot of colloquialisms (and Mushroom Kingdom based word puns) Originally I was going to write him like Michelangelo until I realized a surfer dude wouldn't fit in the Mushroom Kingdom. I more or less rewrote his dialogue so he'd flow better.

There's nothin' more I love than a team of athletic, ninjitsu-practicing amphibians, so this was a blast to work on.
I'm willing to change these, but it wasn't very clear in the dialogue so I just made them up based on your dialogue choices.

- Fixed grammar and spelling issues)
- Shortened Red's exposition and added colloquialisms. I haven't seen "dame" used ever, and it's used to describe someone more...feminine usually, like Peach, so it's just "the pink Bob-omb".
- UPPERCASE text is meant to be emphasized text, to make the characters sound a little more natural whilst writing them. Most people would just bold text, but not Kosheh. It's usually Red using it, because he's a very emotionally-charged character.
- Added some actions in parentheses, but they aren't completely impossible, i.e. sprite flipping during some dialogue.
- "K-game" I'm explaining, because it means nothing. It's a pun on A-game, because the letter sounds similar. That's literally all there is to it.
- "King B" -> "Koopa King". He's the King of Koopas. That pretty much communicates how powerful the guy is, and how humiliating it is that Mario made such easy work of him.
-  OVERSTEPPIN MY BOUNDARIES HERE!!! cos I changed who does the stylish jumps at the end of this segment, because it doesn't really suit the strong silent guy to be a ham. Instead, Green hops out of the room like an idiot and Black sighs and simply walks out of the room.

Segment of your revised script

The Koopa Bros.: Back in Action

(The title of the short appears over an outside pan of the Koopa Bros. Fortress. I do not know if the fortress should look like it has seen better days or not ever since its appearance in Paper Mario. Inside, we have Red pacing around and sighing in the bedroom of the Koopa Bros.)

Red: *Sigh* Another day of doing jack all…

(Yellow enters the room.)

Yellow: What's eatin' you, Red?

Red: You're the smart one, Yellow. Figure it out.

Yellow: Uhm, *Thinks for a moment* Let me guess… is it how we haven't been involved in any of Bowser's plans for ages?

Red: Actually...that's exactly it. (That was sort of creepy...) Ever since Kammy had to got demoted, times have been tough around here. Without the underlings, things around the fort went south. And none of the traps and stuff work anymore. The water here looks real funky and I'm not sure I WANT to know what's livin' in it. As for our jail, for some darned, MYSTERIOUS reason, people keep escaping from that one cell! I know that Mario blew a hole in it years ago with that pink Bob-omb, but c'mon! Can't we at least keep ONE prisoner in that thing!?
….. Well, besides that one undead weirdo who pops in and out at the worst possible time.

(As Red is explaining his dilemma, the camera cuts and pans around various parts of the fortress. The hallway with the firebars shows the firebars all burnt out with ashes in their places. When the camera shows the base of entry tower with the pool of water, the green pool of sludgy water bubbles as a octopus tentacle rises from it. As for the cell where the Bob-ombs were once held, it shows the inside has graffiti in it. There is a lone Dry Bones collapsed on the floor, but it shortly rearranges its pieces back together and lets out an eerie cackle. When Red is done explaining, the camera cuts back to the bedroom.)

???: By the sound of it, we might as well just make this place a discount motel just to pay for renovations.

(Red becomes startled by this comment as the camera quickly shifts to Black sitting on the bed near him.)

Red: Whoa! How long have you been there, Black!? Y'know I'm quick to spook - don't be goin' ninja on me like that!

(Green enters the room.)

Green: What's got yer goat, Red?

Black: Oh - Red's whining because I snuck up on him during one of his venting sessions again.

(Red glares at Black.)

Green: Is this the whole "unemployment" rigmarole again?

Red: No, (sprite flips around) I'm just upset that I'm not in the new Smash Bros. game… (pause)
(flips back around) OF COURSE I'm upset! We're basically bums on the street 'cause Bowser hates our guts!

Green: Really? I thought Bowser just wasn't crazy about us. He had no use for us, 'cause his minions come a dime a dozen and they actually WORK TOGETH-

Red: Gah! What're you, shell-for-brains?! He hates us because we lost to Mario!

Yellow: Here's an idea, Red! What if we...beat Mario at his own game? Y'know, "stomp him out"?
Then, Bowser will be CRAZY impressed, give us a HUGE raise, a nice place and a nice high-up spot in the ranks!

Green: But even when we brought our K-game, that baby Koop completely cooked our kielbas-

Red: CAN IT, Green! Yellow, I think yer onto somethin', but you mind tellin' me just HOW we're gonna take out the guy that makes even the Koopa KING look like a complete joke?

Black: What if we kidnap one of his pals and - hold on, get this: what if we kidnap them and put a ransom on their head?

Red: Black - that's GENIUS! Who're we gonna kidnap then? We can't take Mario's girl since I bet they've got maximum security on the castle after all the times the boss tried to take her.

Green: You'd think they'd wanna invest in security on the Cheep-Cheep at the Mushroom Cast-

Red: Bingo! We'll kidnap one of the dweebs that traveled with him during that whole Star Spirits thing!

Green: Or Luigi, who's a shell of a lot easier to cap-

Red: Yeah, yeah, Green. We know you wanna wow us with your "BIG BRAIN" and stuff. Cute.
(Sprite spin, Koopa Bros pose) So who's up for a visit to Goomba Village?

(Red and Yellow make their way to the door. Black looks at Green, who uses stylish jumps to leave the room. Black sighs as he walks out of the bedroom.)

Thoughts? I'll keep going if it's OK. If it's not perfect, just let me know what can be fixed, but if it's terrible, just let me down easy OK? ;P

EDIT: Also if I could make a suggestion...
Can you give these guys weapons at some point for comedic effect? Like, really ridiculous weapons to threaten Mario with that they don't actually use? Like a boomerang croissant, a trumpet, a giant carrot, and a wooden board with a nail in it?