I wrote a thing! Maybe I'll even finish it one day.
Quote:Bart Kramer was not a good person. But then, he was on television, so he didn’t have to be.
Bart had hosted the game show “Trivial Problems?!” for the last 40 years and was by now an American institution. He had been parodied on everything from Saturday Night Live to Sesame Street. The iconic red suit he wore on the first few seasons of the show was now in the Smithsonian. At the peak of his career, he held the coveted daytime television slot between Judge Judy and The Price is Right and drew in millions of retirees, stay-at-home moms, and sick school children every day. He was a comforting presence, like an uncle.
His on-screen aw-shucks wholesomeness hid an anger and frustration known only to associates and crew. At birthday parties and other casual off-set gatherings, some of the older crew would regale the youngbloods with stories of Bart’s horrible temper. Like the time he called INS on Alex Trebek to get him deported back to Canada when he heard a rumor that they wanted to move Jeopardy! To daytime hours, or how he once slapped Bob Barker across the face at a party for suggesting he should get his seven pitbulls neutered. They knew by now to walk on eggshells and did everything in their power to make the monthly marathon of recording sessions as smooth as humanly possible, but when things would hit a snag, such as a light bulb burning out in the middle of a taping, Bart would quickly lose his temper and blame anyone in his line of sight. He’d deride them for not anticipating every problem, from the sudden appearance of a hole in his sports coat, to microphone feedback. Bart would bark at them about the simplicity of their work and the ease at which they could be replaced. He insisted a monkey or similar animal could perform their jobs, and would then list several similar animals before accusing the staff of not knowing what a capuchin was. They rarely argued back, because he was the “talent” and those who argued with the talent would be fired.
Since the good old days, Bart Kramer’s star had faded. He stared into the makeup mirror, at his thin white hair. It used to be thick and black and luscious. Bart was convinced that it was through this hair he achieved the honor of being Time’s Sexiest Man Alive back in ‘94. He was likewise convinced that it was “decades of rampant idiocy” from guests on “Trivial Problems?!” who caused the balding. Bart swore the guests on TP used to be smarter. Today, though, people can hardly list a state capital, or a single former president, let alone three of each that started with the same letter. He remembered a time when he was the most famous Bart or Kramer to ever grace a television. Not anymore. Ratings began to fall every quarter. According to Bart, this was because everything was worse now. Especially television, and especially the people. They’re worse, and they’re dumber, and it’s fine they didn’t want to watch anymore, because they don’t deserve Bart Kramer.
And that’s probably why the network wanted to cancel his show.