[STORY] PMD

[Novalse]

Dear god why?
Number one, please, please oh please stop writing fan fic and go write something original and worthwhile.
That being said, and seeing as how you're writing fan fic anyways, I'd better help you at least write GOOD fan fiction. ><

Don't drive the story with conversations where we don't even know who's talking.
There are too many quotation marks and not enough words outside of them, if you know what I mean.

The exposition was shit.
Where's the descriptions? Give us an idea of whats happening, is it storming horrendously? Is it pitch black?
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!" How cliche. I mean, the captain has no feelings. He just screams out NOOOO. Where is the emotion of the characters?

Give people names, give them faces, give them thoughts, and of utmost importance, give them personality.

I don't care if these are pokemon, have them act as they should.
Kadabra in my mind would be an intelligent being. I don't see him making jokes and being silly. He should be calm and in control.
Likewise with the rest, give them personalities that represent them well.

Alright, rant over. Carry on.

---

Whoa what, which boat? I don't know nothing of a boat...
Should be "a boat" rather, huh?

i guess "Hold your Ponytas!" would sound pretty discriminative, eh? Like, "Hold your asians" or something. Not good.
i'm wondering why they ask him for a name while they themselfes are called after their pokémon species. Wouldn't make much sence, would it? Just like in the games...

3. It's Pokemon mystery dungeon... they asked his name because the other Pokemon have their name as their name. (eg. Infernape's name is Infernape).

That's what he just said...
Why would they ask his name if they know he's a Treecko?
Why wouldn't they assume that his name is Treecko?

I mean, Infernape's name is Infernape, Gengar's name is Gengar, Kadabra's name is Kadabra. Why would they ask what Treecko's name is?
Seems rather silly, doesn't it?

T_T You'll see when the next bit comes out...

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Chapter 2

A large wooden building lay ahead, with small windows dotted along it. It had three peaked roofs with holes that flying pokemon came in and out of. It was by the sea so water pokemon swam into an underwater entrance.
Is this the Station?
"FOR GOODNESS SAKES BOY!!" screamed Kadabra, it's long mustache flapping, "STOP THINKING! OF COURSE THIS IS THE STATION!!!!!!"
If everyone is like Kadabra... I hate this place. Kadabra's a jerk.
Kadabra looks stunned. He mutters "Two minutes and I already hate you."
Pikachu snickers. "Don't worry about Kadabra. He's always grumpy. My name isn't Pikachu like everyone calls me... my name is Zep. We all work for the H.L.P.E."
"H.L.P.E.?" Gloh asked.
"It stands for 'To Help Lost Pokemon and Explore'."
"So what do they want with me?"
"I..." Zep was interrupted by Infernape, "You going to chatter all day or are you gonna go into the Helpe base?"
As they leave, Gloh asks Zep, "Helpe?"
Without turning his head, Zep replies, "Thats the way you pronounce H.L.P.E."