[WRITING] Snippets from Leech Child

[megaMasquerain]

Long story short, Leech Child is a novel/long story thing I've been working on for the last 4 years. It's gone through a lot of story/plot/character changes but it's gotten to the point where I only need to figure out a few things and I'll be ready to write.

It takes place in a fantasy world inspired by "classic" western fantasy, Japanese mythology and a tinge of steampunk. The species/races that inhabit the world are based on youkai, Japanese monsters.

In this topic I'll post snippets I sometimes write that may eventually go somewhere in the finished novel.

This piece (which I wrote a while ago) features the antagonist, Aoi, as a child. It's a flashback... it actually has a lot of emotional pull for me because I did something similar when I was a kid.

Blue Blood

"Hayato's wife... is she home? Y'know, the lady of the house?", he said. A young Aoi had opened the door to reveal an oni boy who was barely older than her. He stood slumped over, shaking and sweating and moving his clawed fingers erratically.
"My mom's home, yeah, do you need somethin'?", Aoi said.
"Yes-" his speech faltered and he coughed onto the sleeve of his perfectly pressed Akamachi Army uniform. "I need to talk to her... it's official stuff"
Aoi opened the door and let the boy into the large wooden hut, though she could tell that his shoes wouldn't take well to the straw and sticks on the floor.

Aoi's mother sent her into her room when she saw the uniform-wearing standing in their kitchen.

"Aoi, honey, I need you to go to your room, okay?", her mother said.
"I don't want to go. He's just going to say that dad has to stay in Akamachi for a few more weeks, right?"
"Aoi, shush. Go to your room"

Aoi ran to her room the moment she felt tears in her eyes. She didn't dare look back at her mother.

Several minutes passed, during which Aoi let Gorou onto the floor. The miniature kappa stumbled across the straw-covered floor and Aoi ran her claws gently across his soft shell. Gorou reached up to Aoi, pointing to her reddened eyes.
"You're so smart, Gorou", she said, smiling. The pet kappa grinned back.

Aoi had put Gorou back into his tank and tiptoed back out to the kitchen when she collided with her mom. Her mother jolted, but then realized who it was and took a deep breath.
She stared up at her mother's face, her dark blue feathers gleaming with tears. She was about to open her mouth and ask what was going on when her mother spoke.
"The oni soldier left, Aoi. He told me that Hayato... your father, was killed by one of the prototype kitsune. He's dead, Aoi"
The young tengu stood still for a second, still staring at her mother, beak hanging open.
"You're wrong", Aoi said. "You're wrong"
"I'm not lying", her mother said. "Please don't take this too hard-"
Aoi was already gone, leaving a deafening screech and a series of talon prints on the floor in her wake. Her mother rushed over to the door of her room and fiddled with the knob, but it was locked. She could hear her daughter screaming and crying behind the door, and the sounds of glass breaking and wooden furniture being flung against the wall.
"Aoi, come out!" she screamed, crying and bashing her fists against the door. "We can talk about this, please!"

Aoi's room was a warzone. Shards of glass and plywood lay on the floor and Aoi stomped on them as she ran around in a frenzy, cutting her tough, taloned feet. She took a last look around. Everything was broken, and she let out a sigh of relief, closing her eyes - except when she opened them again, there it was: Gorou's tank.

Aoi approached the glass fishtank, and grabbed the sides. Gorou was sound asleep, but the movement jolted him awake. Aoi lifted the tank above her head and screamed one last time as she threw it against the wall.

And there it was - Gorou sprawled on the floor, waving his little webbed feet in the air. Aoi looked down at him, her eyes empty and dark like the tropical bird she resembled. Aoi picked up Gorou in her claws, and the kappa reached for her face, glancing at her with his large, open eyes. Aoi's hand slowly closed, and as Gorou cried in the darkness of her palm, Aoi squeezed tighter.

Aoi's mother finally managed to break into her daughter's room, where Aoi was laying on a bamboo mat on the floor. Dark red blood covered almost all of her body and feathers, with the exception of her hands - they were stained dark blue.

"Aoi, are you okay? Please, tell me you're okay! I'm so sorry, please, forgive me-"

"Nothing's wrong, mom"

Aoi's mother reached her wide, feathered arms around her child and held tightly. No words were exchanged - for the sake of Gorou, there weren't any that needed to be said.

If there's anyone here who is experienced in writing, I'd love to hear your opinions. I'm still trying to find my voice and have it not sound forced or generic, so any help with that kind of thing is loved. Critique from anyone is loved, in fact. I just want to hear what people think.

Enjoy!