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05-26-2008, 05:17 PM
(This post was last modified: 06-15-2008, 02:15 PM by Sho_"Rocker"_Daisuke.)
this is a co-op story written by me and my friend, Sami Ly (not her real name), it's basically about two kids, one has psychokenesis, so he can move things with his mind, he will soon realize his full potential later on, and the other has telepathy and can create rips in the time-space continueum (idk if that's spelled right...). The two travel to different times, AND dimensions, but where ever thay are, they're only there, and not a copy of them would be seen. I write in perspective of Xalex, the eldest brother who has psychokenesis, and my friend writes in perspective of Ayla, the telepthic one.
the site is on a freewebs site, don't make fun of me, I just can't afford a better website.
www.freewebs.com/infiniteera
There is nothing to understand, that's why nothing understands it
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bump, because I want more people to check out my story
There is nothing to understand, that's why nothing understands it
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"MAKE HER STOP CRYING!" wailed Xalex. He isn't used to seeing children cry (mainly because I don't cry...much..).
It saddens me that the fist line of the work is what made me not want to read anymore... What really ticked me off was the random person change (from 3rd to 1st), and the terrible use of ellipses.
Please tell me the rest isn't like that.
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GrooveMan.exe Wrote:"MAKE HER STOP CRYING!" wailed Xalex. He isn't used to seeing children cry (mainly because I don't cry...much..).
It saddens me that the fist line of the work is what made me not want to read anymore... What really ticked me off was the random person change (from 3rd to 1st), and the terrible use of ellipses.
Please tell me the rest isn't like that.
well, first off, I admire the constructive critism, but yeah, it does swithc between the perspective of Xalex to the perpsective of Ayla, if you even read the begining of this post, you would know, it's not just in perspective of Xalex. I can't control what Sami writes when she writes in perspective of Ayla, but I can control what ever I write.
as for the elipses (thank god, you made me remember that word) I think I do constantly use those, but like I said, I can't control what Sami does, but I can control what I do, so I'll try to use less elipses than I usually do, and I'll try to convince Sami to do the same
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Nuh-uh, that won't fly. While you may not be able to control what direction she takes her story in, you have every right to make sure what she writes and what you write stay in the same damn person. Changing person between chapters is fine (The Amulet if Samarkand by Jonathan Stroud, and its two sequels are a very good example of well executed person and tense switching); but within the same paragraph? GODDAMN, NO.
Also, Xalex is a poor name. Alex is perfectly fine. Xale is a little odd, but still acceptable in a fantasy setting. Xalex, using multiple X's, is not remotely believable. No one would call their child Xalex. Unless they were straightedge.
If you can still find them these days, the Co-op books written by the childrens Authors Paul Jenning and Morris Gleitzman are also worth lookng at. Off the top of my head, they did Deadly! and Wicked!
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06-15-2008, 05:21 PM
(This post was last modified: 06-15-2008, 05:25 PM by Sho_"Rocker"_Daisuke.)
GrooveMan.exe Wrote:Nuh-uh, that won't fly. While you my not be able to control what direction she takes her story in, you have every right to make sure what she writes and what you write stay in the same damn person. Changing person between chapters is fine (The Amulet if Samarkand by Jonathan Stroud, and its two sequels are a very good example of well executed person and tense switching); but within the same paragraph? GODDAMN, NO.
Also, Xalex is a poor name. Alex is perfectly fine. Xale is a little od, but still acceptable in a fantasy setting. Xalex, using multiple X's, is not remotely believable. No one wouyld call their child Xalex. Unless they were straightedge.
If you can still find them these days, the Co-op books written by the childrens Authors Paul Jenning and Morris Gleitzman are also worth lookng at. Off the top of my head, they did Deadly! and Wicked!
for the first part, I don't ever recall writing in a different perspective in the same paragraph through out the entire story. I have also told my friend that she should stick to the main plot, but she has some freedom into changing the story ina certain way, revealing how certain characters act, interact with each other, etc.
now complaining about the name of the main character, Xalex, is just nit picking, I will not accept this form of critism because it is a rediculous reason to dislike a story.
I haven't read any other co-op stories before except for Theive's World, but they write in third person all the time, so it really doesn't matter
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GrooveMan.exe Wrote:Changing person between chapters is fine (The Amulet if Samarkand by Jonathan Stroud, and its two sequels are a very good example of well executed person and tense switching)
Finally, I know someone else who reads those! I love those books. ^.^
On topic though, the writing style is just all over the place. Just to pick from the first few paragraphs;
Quote: Hello, my name is Xalex, I'm supossed to be your average 16 year old "highschool punk." But as every cliched fairy tale told to 5 year olds, I'm obviously not. I have this "super-natural" power to move things with my mind, and with age, I've become to master it. I wasn't very old when I discovered this power either. I was probably about 5 or 6, when I realized I could "levitate" the cookie jar down from the top shelf of the cupboard instead of whining to my mother. Ah mother... how long has it really been since the last time I saw you...
Where am I now that leaves me asking that question? Where have I been all this time? I'll tell you. It all started about 8 years ago. Or it was 8 years for me, for everyone else, it was probably about 5 seconds. Anyways, about 8 years ago, my baby sister was born... Not really that weird to you? Well it was for me. When I was about 2, my father had disapeared from home. He hadn't run away, and he wasn't murdered, somehow I knew this... somehow I knew he was still alive, watching over me. And I swear to ****ing god, if you call my mother a whore! I'll ****ing kill you!
Going back to my boring story, my sister was born, she had brown hair and green eyes like my father aparently had... but she had asian skin. She wasn't white like me or my mother, and she didn't have blue hair and blue eyes either, but eastern skin, and brown hair with green eyes... Knowing my mother, she named her Ayla, which was a character in some story I forget, that was an orphan.
First off, you needn't put "these" in all over the place, unless it really needs it. Are you quoting people? No. The "super natural" bit is totally unnessecary. Those aren't imagined super powers, they are real. If you're doing it for emphasis you need to use italics, or else it just completely puts it out of context, and it ends up making very little sense.
Secondly, the bit about the mother, there are normally commas before a name, and secondly, she needs a capital there, as you're actually calling her a name. Also, that whole snetence just did not make sense with the rest of the paragraph.
I found this a lot in your work, as you constantly seem to go off tangent and get distracted. This will bore readers, as they won't know what's happening, and they'll want a well constructed to stroy to follow.
Lastly, when you're describing someone, you most people wouldn't just start saying things about their appearance, because there is no reason to. If anything, do it in context with the story, so as to help progress it, rather than just completely stopping for a long winded explanation. Most descriptions in published books arn't just one paragraph at the beginning of the story, they're instead revealed slowly through the story, as things happen. Like a really lame example of "I looked into her green eyes." or something. It just makes it more intriguing that way.
Sweetness, I was only joking when I said I'd like to smash every tooth in your head.
Sweetness, I was only joking when I said by rights you should be bludgeoned in your bed.
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A good example of character description via actions, rather than going off on a tangent to give a description would be in Harry Potter, the first one especially.
Because Philosopher's Stone was written with a speedy pacing in mind, large amounts of character description are done via actions and speech. When you first read about Harry's aunt Petunia, she "screeched", "stamped", and "paced" giving you a good idea of what she might look like from verbs and adverbs alone.
Also Hi5 Mors for reading the Bartimaeus Trilogy. Fuckin' epic.
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okay, now I'm getting some really usefull critism, no offence to earlier GrooveMan.Exe, I will try to make my writing better, I think the style does improve over the length of the story, but that might be me just being biast. Anyways, all I can say is that MY writing is different from Sami's and that when you read in perspective of Xalex, you'll find different views, and different writing styles
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I also meant to say that you should never ever put asterisks in instad of the word when swearing. I know you're just trying not to offend, but if you're going to do it, just post a warning before the beginning, so if people are going to be offended they can just miss out, and it's their loss. : P
Sweetness, I was only joking when I said I'd like to smash every tooth in your head.
Sweetness, I was only joking when I said by rights you should be bludgeoned in your bed.
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mors ontologica Wrote:I also meant to say that you should never ever put asterisks in instad of the word when swearing. I know you're just trying not to offend, but if you're going to do it, just post a warning before the beginning, so if people are going to be offended they can just miss out, and it's their loss. : P
lol, okay, I'll try to keep that in mind : P
I would also kind of like to recieve critism and input on the plot of the story so far, I admire the look on my writing skills, but I would also apreciate if you guys would comment on the plot device
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Then you are all set for writing. : P
Sweetness, I was only joking when I said I'd like to smash every tooth in your head.
Sweetness, I was only joking when I said by rights you should be bludgeoned in your bed.
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