Portal, my fanfic

[iDan]

Outside of the net, this is a manga I'm making.
Well, here goes:

Fred is a typical Shy Guy, only distinguishable by the dent in his mask, which was made when Konata punched him. He is very cynical. He has a secret about his true affiliations...

Konata is (surprisingly) 18 tears old, and starts the weirdest conversations. Plays too many fighting games, but because of this (and karate) she can easily down anyone.

Kamek is Bowsers right-hand-man, and very hasty. He knows a lot of spell, and like to be in command.

Bowser ain't the smartest koopa. He is obsessed with Peach, and will do anything to kidnap her...

Chapter 1: Fred and Konata

Bowser is at his throne, thinking about Peach, when kamek walks in.
"Your rudeness, the portal is almost complete! Would you like to see me finish it?" asked Kamek.
"Bwhahaha! I can't wait! What are you waiting for? Take me!" replied Bowser.
Kamek took Bowser into a secret, vaulted room. Inside, a base with a bunch of buttons was below a portal, looking a lot like the void in Super Paper Mario. A Shy Guy was making sure everything was functioning, when he noticed something wrong. Before he could tell Kamek, he started the Final Spell.
"Zappa, zapow, WOPOW!!!" chanted Kamek. A spell came out his wand, and flew at the portal. The portal grew to an incredible size, sucking in the Shy Guy. "HEEELP!" he yelled.
"It got Fred!" screamed Kamek.
"Then again, who cares?"

Little did Kamek know, a lot of people were about to...

Back in Japan...
A very small portal appears in a room, at about 11:00PM local time. Fred the Shy Guy falls out of it, with a big thump.
"Ow..." muttered Fred, attempting to get up off the wooden floor.
"DIE!!!" he heard from a corner of the room. Next thing he knew, there was a very short girl punching him, and then the girl jumps up, and somehow does something like Meta-Knight's side air in Brawl. Fred flies across the room, and hits a wall.
"Ow! Why'd you do that!?" yells Fred.
"What are you!" screams the girl (Konata), ignoring the question.
"I'm a Shy Guy!"
"Hey yeah! You're a trophy in brawl!"
"Wait, what?" Fred started waving his arms around hastily
"WAIT A MINUTE! I have to go back in the portal!"
"Portal?"
"That one up there! '" said Fred, pointing at absolutely nothing.
"... Maybe it's invisible. Tha'd be cool!"
"Ooo! Good idea! Do you think you can throw me up there?"
"Yup." says Konata, picking up Fred with one arm.
"Wow, you're strong. I weigh 30 pounds!" said Fred.
Konata aimed, and hurled Fred. Fred flew past the point the portal was supposedly at.
"MAYDAY!!!" screamed Konata.
"It wasn't the---*THUNK*" obviously, Fred hit the ceiling. Fred fell down to the floor.
"Hey, are you still alive?" asked Konata to Fred, who was face down flat on the floor.
"I think I broke my everything... The PAIN!!!" yelled Fred.
"Guess so."
"Concienceness... slipping..."
-----------
The next day...

"Oh Grambi... I feel as if I just slept on the floor..." muttered Fred, who was still on the floor.
"Aw crap! I did!" he realized with a jolt.
"Wait... Then where's that psycho short girl?"
Fred slowly got up off the floor.
"HELLO? PSYCHO SHORT GIRL?" called Fred.
"HEY! You don't have to be so insensitive!" yelled Konata from behind Fred.
"Good lord! Don't scare me like that!" huffed Fred.
"Anyways, we Shy Guys are very literal!"
"Somebody likes to make excuses..." mutters Konata.
"HEY! I heard that, psycho!"
"Anyway, why did you crawl through a portal to stalk me in my sleep?"
"I was NOT stalking you!"
"Then why were you in my room last night?"
"Yesterday, Lord Bowser and Kamek were finishing up an inter dimensional portal, when I noticed something wrong in the checklists. to make a long story short, the portal is now uncontrollable. It sucked me in, a lead me into what I think is your room."
"Hm... I see..." said Konata, nodding her head.
"So, I have favor. Could you help me find the portal?"
"Do I get a motivation?"
"Eh... Oh! How about 50 coins?" replied Fred, pulling out a sack of coins.
"Are those... GOLD!" exclaimed Konata.
"Yeah..."
"Do I get to go to other universes?"
"More than likely."
"DEAL!" said Konata, shaking Fred's robe-covered hand.
"One problem... Do you have high school?" asked Fred.
"Oh, don't worry... I have a plan..."
One hour later, Konata would've loved to see her teacher's face when they found out she had influenza.
--------------
"Why the heck does it take so long for girls to change their clothes?" asked Fred, as Konata stepped out of the bathroom.
"Why is the sky blue? I don't know." replied Konata (more like retorted).
"I guess you're right. Anyways, are you sure it's a good idea for me to be out in public?" asked Fred.
"Don't worry. Just pretend to be a cosplayer, and you'll be fine."
"Uh, okay, but I have one concern..."
"Yeah?"
"I'm shorter than you, yet you're as short as humans get!"
Then and there, Konata gave Fred the Shy Guy a face, only describable by "scary".
"Eh... I'll avoid that subject from now on..." said Fred, terrified. As if nothing happened, Konata said to Fred,
"Ya' know, we really need our own dance!"
"Dance...? ' "
"Alrighty, first, slide to the left..."

"GOOD LUCKY!!!" yells Akira in your face, I'm mean the tv screen. "I'm you navigator, Akira-sama! And this is my assistant, Minoru!"
"Hello! Pleasure to be here." says Minoru.
"We're already on our... Eh..." begins Akira. "Which episode is this?" whispers Akira to Minoru.
"This is... Ah... Hm... let me check..." says Minoru, pulling out a clipboard.
"Fifteen... Sixteen... Filler...? eh, this is episode "filler..." says Minoru.
"Minoru." mutters Akira.
"Yes?"
"FILLER IS'NT A NUMBER!" yells Akira out of the blue.
"Th-That's what it says on the memo!" panics Minoru.
"Give me that!" says Akira, yanking the clipboard. She begins to read it, with a strange look on her face.
"Oh... Eh.. WELL, anyways, today we have a new character!" she blurts, changing the subject. Minoru pulls out a picture of a Shy Guy.
"This is... Fred... Guy...?"
"... Fred? What kind of name is that for an inter-dimensional explorer?! I'm beginning to think we don't work for the same executive anymore. Seriously!? This episode had a demented video game character!"
"Eh, I wouldn't talk about the new executive like th-" stammers Minoru.
"OH YEAH? WHY!?" yells Akira.
"B-because he's right next to you..."
I walk out behind Akira.
"Hey! Are you kidding me!? He's in middle school!" yells Akira.
"Pout all you like. I'm still your executive still, whether you believe it or not." I say, folding my arms, with the generic anime steam puff coming out my nose.
"And let me tell ya, you're easily disposable." I continue, holding an eraser.
"Oh, uh, we're out of time." says Minoru.
"Oh! Would ya look at that! Bye-bye!!" says Akira, quickly.

"... So, do you want to KEEP your job?"
"YES!"
"Good. Now, never do that again."
"Snicker... told off by a middle schooler..."
"QUIET YOU!"

Waddaya think? chapter 2 is under way, and turning out nicely!

[Vipershark]

NO.
DO NOT CONTINUE.

[Alpha Six]

holy hell.

[a babyass man]

i'd like to see more please i love this ;D

[Kairos]

> Shy Guy
> Kontana

I'm done.

[iDan]

NO.
DO NOT CONTINUE.

Oh, gee. You're nice. I don't think that's gonna stop me though . You don't have to read it.

[Ravecat]

That's actually really horrible

[iDan]

Em, okay. be more specific? Maybe I'll be able to fix it.

[Skink]

Instead of using actual dialogue, you replace that with yelling and questions.

[Rosencrantz]

"That one up there! '" said Fred, pointing at absolutely nothing

---------------------------------------------

"Dance...? ' "

Don't ever do these in a story

[LeleleleMAXIMUM]

CONCIENCENESS

Breaking the fourth wall

Boring character profiles. "
Kamek is Bowsers right-hand-man, and very hasty. He knows a lot of spell, and like to be in command." Are you in third grade?

No sense of plot, or not enough to keep people interested. "Bowser is at his throne, thinking about Peach, when kamek walks in." Eh? What? Why? Why is he doing that? In the manga, he'll just be shown brooding and the reader will be "so fucking what?" Same with the portal; why is there a portal and why should we care? Why are the universes intersecting? Should we give a damn? Make people care about what your characters are doing or what's happening to your story.

Mostly dialog with no attempt to describe what is happening or the surroundings or the characters

Konata just trusts Shy Guy immediately after punching him <-- dumb

"Konata gave Fred the Shy Guy a face, only describable by "scary"." <-- Haha, no. If you are any worth as a writer, you should be able to describe it more than just "scary". How about "Shy Guy stared at her and felt a stirring within him reserved only for the bowels of hell itself, and speaking of bowels.." Yeah, that was pretty bad, but it's just a five second finger exercise and is a lot better than "scary".

I didn't really read it all, because it was mostly terrible. How old are you?
I mean why are you even using existing characters; that is the one thing you should do if you want to be forever branded as "unoriginal".
Just make the "manga" and show us, because you are not good with words anyway. I know most comic artists have scripts, but since your writing prowess is below average, how about you just draw thumbnails.
EDIT:
IT's almost 1am, I will sleep now zzzzzzzz

[Ravecat]

that's what i was gonna say

[iDan]

Well, as brutally honest as that was, it helps. No one's been able to give me a good critique, given as they only pay attention to the drawings. So, I admit, I should've been more careful with the written version as possible. I didn't include the real first chapter, 'cause it was old, and needed fixing. And, it had nothing to do with the story. But, it was original. So, I'll fix absolutely everything I can before the 3rd chapter is out. I'll post the manga/comic as soon as I get my scanner. I'm bad a stories, just the drawings...

But, eh... I admit I would've preferred if you didn't go with the insults.