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The Troops Legacy (Writing) - supersmashbrawl - 04-25-2011
Here my fanfic called The Troops Legacy, it's in the mario universe
so yeah enjoy
Chapter 1-1
It was a dark rainy day. Every resident of Koopa Typhoon was inside hiding from
the rain. Everyone thought the rain would kill somebody if they didn't shelter
themselves. But....they were wrong. One Koopa was still outside beating the rain.
He walked slowly on the sidewalk, thinking to himself why this was happening.
His name....was Troops. He's a slightly larger than normal blue shelled koopa,
with a blue battered up scarf, with matching gloves with patchy patches. He had
a sad expression as he kicked the rocks with his blue holey boots. As he walked
past various houses, he longed for a house of his own.
"Why...... I'm only 14 and I am already homeless" He muttered. Troops was a 14
Tan koopa, who used to live in a standerd bongalow. He lived alone and often
visited his friend Mr.Goom. But one day something happened, as Mr.Goom got a
job for blowing up houses in the village of Petalburg. Troops was not happy
when his friend made this heartless decision, but his heart was hardned as he
went and destroyed houses, and he even blew up his own best friends house. Troops
escaped through the skin of his teeth, and ran away far far away,
and he ended up here,in Koopa Typhoon, with 2 coins to rent a low class room in a inn.
He continued walking, when he noticed a flyer with a familar face on it. It was
Bowser and right beside him was a airplane. Troops has always longed to fly one
and always daydreamed about flying one. But sadly fate borught him homeless. He
notcied some words on it. It said
"Hey you! Wanna be part of the best cooperation of the state. Well lucky for you,
I'm hiring special canadates to join my new force, Koopa Kadete. Be the lucky one
and you get to be flying airplanes and doing missions for my troop. Call 1-800 599
7102, or go to my office in Koopa Typhoon and apply for this once in a lifetime job.
Don't miss this offer. See ya!!"
Troops was astonished to hear this news. but not long a stange red figure came up
to him. That figure was wearing a red raincoat, with a stylish mustauche and...
"I hope you're not-a thinking about signing up kiddo" he whispered
"Sir I am gonna apply, I need a job, I'm homeless and I feel like dying" he said
"Hmmmm I know-a I will-a give you-a 2 coins to buy a mushroom-a" he spoke
"Great'he moaned 'Now I have 4 coins great'"
"Have a nice day-a" he shouted as he ran away
Troops continued walking, when he spotted a broken down inn. It was perfect, he could
rest there, then wake up and call Bowser, apply and make lots of money. Troops ignored
the rain was he sprinted to the inn and dashed to the door, to find that it's full.
"..........*sniff* *sniff*' he statred sobbing as his dreams were shattered
'No! I will not give up, I will move on" he shouted he burst through the door
and noticed a gloomy looking koopa. He was brown coloured with a brown shell that
looked beat up
"M'am can't you read!!' he jeered 'It says "FULL!" go back to your mom and learn
to read" he mocked
"Please sir!' he begged 'I only have 4 coins, I'll even sleep on the floor!!"
"Hmmmmmm' he pondered hard '4 coins is alot in these days, and life is getting
hard...sure lttle guy, go to Rm 3!"
"Thank you sir!" Troops said happlily as he went down the hall.
He saw 5 rooms with broken down signs. The inn was made of wood and hard steel.
As he went to his room he was happy to find a bed, despite the fact it was wooden
and had no blanket. There was a pink bucket for reliveing yourself, and a red pail
for brushing your teeth.
"Perfect' he stated 'Life is gonna be gre- *Yawn* he yawned very loud as he nevered
sleep so well in a while. Troops jumped on the bed, slowly drifting to sleep. He thought
about the food, getting a girlfriend, making new friends, and thinking about why
Mr.Goom made that his job to go around making a mess of the town. Maybe he had no
money, as he lived in a rented basement by a rich family. Maybe he had a situation
like Troops, working for evil to live, as Troops had to work for the evil ruthless
koopa king, Bowser.
"I hope Mr.Goom and I become friends again" he thought was he closed his eyes and
wondered to sleep.
Of course somewhere in a 2 coin for a room inn, lurks shady characters who decide to
steal others valubles. Troops is no exception to these bullies. One night while
Troops was sleeping...
"Hey I just spotted a kid in Rm 3" a fat shady character whispered
"Okay" a short one calmly said
"Heh that kid is either cheap and rich, who is so dumb to save money, or is asking
us to mob him and prove to him he lacks common sense" the fat one jeered
"Lets just get this over with and leave" the small one says
As they wander down the creepy, dark hallway, they eventully come across Rm 3
The duo entered the room slowly only to find Troops on the pink bucket, relieving
himself.
"..........." all of them have a intense staredown with Troops eyes wide open and the
room smelling awful, whie the two shady guys are stareing with intense determanation
for his goods.
"Get the hell outta my room!! Troops screams
"Never get him!!" they both state it's pretty dark, so Troops can't identify the
strange goonies. The fat one tackles towards Troops with binding speed, only to
miss in the dark and slam into a wall!
"Urrhhhgg" the fat one moans with a big red bump on his face
"Take this you idoit!!" Troops says as he throws the pail at the small one, with
crap landing on his head
"Nahhhhh!!! I smell like crap!" he screams
The 3 fo them casue a load ruckas, waking up the innkeeper. He storms down the hall
with a fatal poison dagger, ready to stab someone. He enters Rm 3 with deep anger
and vains popping out.
"What the hell is going on!!' he screams everyone stops moving when they spot the
knife
'Nobody move, or they'll get stabbed!!' he threats
'Who in thier right mind did this!!?" the innkeeper questions
"He did he did!!" the bad guys framed and pointed to a scared Troops
"Sooo... you it's you little guy' he psycholy says as he walks to Troops with a psycho
face
'It's time to teach those who wake me up with a little game called Hide and Kill!!"
He makes a fast attempt to strike the Koopa, unforutnelty, Troops has always been
a fast one and dodges his attack.
"Come back here hehehehehe...." he says with a clown like voice
Troops makes a break away for the closet right next to Rm 1. He sits there very scared
with a intensly sad face, with sweat dripping down
"Oh why oh why did this happen?" he mutters fastly
"Hehehehe I think our little friend is in...' he staggers towards the closet
'HERE!! Hehehehehe" he laughs like a psycho and prepares to end Troops game
Will Troops survive this attack, or will he fall to the psycho koopa? Will he
be friends with Mr.Goom again, will he ever fly a plane? stay tuned on
The Troops Legacy!!
C+c is welcome
RE: The Troops Legacy (Writing) - Proton - 04-25-2011
This was pretty bad.
You need to learn to separate common forum posting with writing.
"His name....was Troops"
First of all, an ellipse should only have 3 dots.
Second, it doesn't need to be there. It isn't proper use of the ellipse and should not be included.
You always have weird sounds.
"Hehehehe" can be changed to something like, "He cackled to himself."
Something informing the reader that the character is making the sound, instead of actually writing the sound.
Use ONE exclamation mark.
I don't know why you think you need 2 each time.
That's all I'm going over.
There's just too many mistakes to this poorly written piece.
Just,
you need to learn to separate common forum posting with writing.
No writing piece should look as colloquial as a forum post.
RE: The Troops Legacy (Writing) - Garamonde - 04-25-2011
I didn't think it was too bad until it got to the pink bucket part.
RE: The Troops Legacy (Writing) - supersmashbrawl - 04-25-2011
(04-25-2011, 11:50 AM)Proton Wrote: This was pretty bad.
You need to learn to separate common forum posting with writing.
"His name....was Troops"
First of all, an ellipse should only have 3 dots.
Second, it doesn't need to be there. It isn't proper use of the ellipse and should not be included.
You always have weird sounds.
"Hehehehe" can be changed to something like, "He cackled to himself."
Something informing the reader that the character is making the sound, instead of actually writing the sound.
Use ONE exclamation mark.
I don't know why you think you need 2 each time.
That's all I'm going over.
There's just too many mistakes to this poorly written piece.
Just,
you need to learn to separate common forum posting with writing.
No writing piece should look as colloquial as a forum post.
Really those were all mistakes?
Also the "Hehehehehe" part tells the reader how he made the sound,
also he nevered cackled to himself, he was laughing loudly and
psychoticly.
Also thnaks HB
RE: The Troops Legacy (Writing) - Devicho - 04-25-2011
Then you should be able to explain that without having to resort to typing in HEHEHEHEHE. "He laughed loudly, his tone highly malicious." is a terrible example that is the first thing that came to my mind but is still better than almost script-like speech.
RE: The Troops Legacy (Writing) - supersmashbrawl - 04-25-2011
But, the actual sound should give the reader what it should
actully sound like, not some boring "He cackled to himself, very psychoticly
RE: The Troops Legacy (Writing) - Devicho - 04-25-2011
If it says anything, "hehehe" sure doesn't sound loud or psychotic or anything on its own to me. It really just sounds like some sort of cheap "Okay this guy is laughing trust me on this" chuckle. You've gotta use more vocabulary than that if you actually want to pull readers in and properly project a scene to the audience. Otherwise you're just going to wind up writing stories akin to 90% of postings on fanfiction.net.
RE: The Troops Legacy (Writing) - supersmashbrawl - 04-25-2011
So, you're tring to say make the laugh scene more detailed, so that
they understand, without the hehehehe part?
RE: The Troops Legacy (Writing) - Orgasmatron - 04-25-2011
(04-25-2011, 11:50 AM)Proton Wrote: Use ONE exclamation mark.
I don't know why you think you need 2 each time.
dont worry supersmashbrawl i understand
RE: The Troops Legacy (Writing) - Maxpphire - 04-26-2011
(04-25-2011, 07:31 PM)supersmashbrawl Wrote: So, you're tring to say make the laugh scene more detailed, so that
they understand, without the hehehehe part?
Yes, you don't have to use sound effects but you should describe what the noise is making.
Plus Hehehehehehehehe is not an evil laugh at all, nor is it even close to it. There is a typed sound effect that comic artists use for an evil laugh, but this isn't a comic and you shouldn't be using such sound effects.
RE: The Troops Legacy (Writing) - Gors - 04-26-2011
Why did I know that this would suck just by seeing OP's name
(04-26-2011, 04:39 AM)Kat Wrote: Plus Hehehehehehehehe is not an evil laugh at all, nor is it even close to it. There is a typed sound effect that comic artists use for an evil laugh, but this isn't a comic and you shouldn't be using such sound effects.
A-HYUCK
RE: The Troops Legacy (Writing) - supersmashbrawl - 04-26-2011
(04-26-2011, 04:39 AM)Kat Wrote:(04-25-2011, 07:31 PM)supersmashbrawl Wrote: So, you're tring to say make the laugh scene more detailed, so that
they understand, without the hehehehe part?
Yes, you don't have to use sound effects but you should describe what the noise is making.
Plus Hehehehehehehehe is not an evil laugh at all, nor is it even close to it. There is a typed sound effect that comic artists use for an evil laugh, but this isn't a comic and you shouldn't be using such sound effects.
Alrighty, Now I know for next time, thanks for the critizm
RE: The Troops Legacy (Writing) - Chutzpar - 04-26-2011
Here's an idea:
read a fucking book.
If you read at all, I doubt we'd have to point out any of this hilariously basic shit.
RE: The Troops Legacy (Writing) - Kosheh - 04-26-2011
actually, not to be a huge tool but
Troops is a Koopa Troopa, right? Can't he like
just duck under an awning and sleep in his shell if he can't find a place to live?
and moreso, if he's in this situation couldn't he have just got into his shell, bank off all the walls and just
destroy everyone in the room if it was so dark?
i do like the koopa air force though (paratroopas, HEH) and there's some neat ideas throughout but
the execution is....mediocre at best :/
maybe part 2 can improve on these things!!
edit: thats it im gonna go write a fanfic where chargin chuck becomes a ufc fighter!!!
RE: The Troops Legacy (Writing) - supersmashbrawl - 04-26-2011
I actully kinda forgot that KP's can hide in thier shells at will.
Guess I gotta change up part 2 now
Tachikoma@ Not really being helpful, seeing how I wouldn't write this if I didn't read books