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Super Mario Bros. Nexgen - Kino Eastriver - 02-26-2011

How's it goin fellas? I decided to reboot Project Nexgen once more, this time in written form. The project was actually a long time in the making. I was playing video games since I was in first grade, but I never seriously got into it until right around the time the N64 came out. By that time I was a true-blue Nintendo fan for life. My devotion went so far that I eventually started making Mario-themed fanart, and after that, fancomics. Just little four-panel strips with plots that I would rip off of the funnies in the newspaper, but soon I evolved from that as well. At age 11, I made my first Mario fanfic starring my favorite character Toad, a basic boy-meets-dog tale with the dog played by Poochy from Yoshi's Island. I also used characters from other Nintendo games (K. Rool was the villain of the tale.) When Pokemon R/B came out for the Game Boy, Poochie was replaced by Pikachu, and that's when it started to evolve into the epic it is today. In this incarnation, I try to explore a scenario that may happen in the Mushroom World. For decades the Mario Bros. were the Mushroom Kingdom's strongest line of defense against evil, but they can't do it forever. What would happen if they were suddenly gone, perhaps for good? How will the world react? Will anyone stand up to take their place? What if a new evil force cast its shadow onto the good people of the MK, one with more ambitious plans than simply captutring princesses? Here's my idea of what would happen. C&C much appreciated.

Super Mario Bros. Nexgen

World 1-1 8 Years Later

In a small coastal town in the Mushroom Kingdom, there lived a Toad and a Yoshi, who were friends since infancy. The Toad was named Kino and the Yoshi was named Gunpei, or Gun for short. They were at the park one day, getting some fresh air. Eight years have passed since peace was restored to the kingdom. The princess was safe, and the Koopas were defeated once and for all, but in doing so the kingdom's heroes, the Mario Bros., allegedly sacrificed their lives. Kino's parents also dissapeared as a result of this war and he was looked after by his grandfather ever since. The spot at which Kino and Gun were hanging out had a good view of the unusual city of Flotsam Beach. Fifty years ago, Flotsam Beach was almost destroyed by a large hurricane. The entire town was submerged in at least five feet of water, but instead of evacuating, the people decided to rebuild the city atop the old one. miles of bridges, walkways, and railways connected to special buildings and houses that hung from large cables with powerful electromagnets. These cables were connected to the old city's existing skyscrapers. The park where Kino and Gun were at was situated on the roof of one of these old buildings.

"And he was just sitting on the train with his boombox, flailing around like a man possesed!" raved Kino.
"Are you kidding me, man?" said Gun in bewilderment.
"That's what I was thinking!" exclaimed Kino. "How do you headbang to Pink Floyd anyway?"

These were the kind of dull, mundane moments Kino and Gun cherished the most, for they understood that a true friendship is measured not in minutes, but in moments. At midday they decided to get some lunch, and the two friends were so engrossed in their converstion that they failed to notice a dark shadow emerging from a nearby thicket. It bolted out at lightning speed, and Kino was none the wiser until it was too late. The shaded figure slammed against his back, muttered an apology, and continued along its desparate path. As Kino recovered and Gun helped him back up, Kino realized that his wallet was now missing. That creature must have taken it!

Kino was not happy. "Who does that jerk think he is?"
Gun was a little more optimistic. "Hop aboard, dude, the Yoshi Express will catch us up in no time!"

Kino obliged, knowing that Gun was a lot faster than he was. Kino usually got better grades, but when it came to physical matters, Gun had him beat. They were gaining on the creature, but neither of them seemed to be able to get a good look at it. It ran to the edge of the roof, glanced back at its pursuers, and lept onto a passing freight train.

"Bad news, bro!" said Gun. "We won't be able to catch up. Train's movin' too fast!"
Kino just then had an idea. "If you throw me onto the train, maybe I can catch it."
"I can do that, but are you sure you can do this on your own?" asked Gun.
"No crook's gonna wipe the floor with the likes of me!" said Kino. "Now let's do this!"
"Alright, dude, hold still..."

Gun launched out his tongue, which could extend to about eight times his body length, wrapped it around Kino, and with one swift motion flung him toward the train. Kino made it aboard just as the last car was passing by. He ran toward the front, without the faintest idea of what to expect. Soon he made his way to the engine car, where the shady figure was waiting. Kino clenched his eyes as he tried to catch his breath.

"You have... nowhere left... to run!" he shouted. "Now give back my--"

Kino was in a state of shock as he caught first glance at the thief. It looked to be an antropomorphic version of a Pikachu, and appeared to be female. She had a slender, athletic build, and was taller than Kino, but not as tall as Gun. She had golden yellow fur, but also had bright brown hair that stuck out in the sides and had a single large bang that covered her left eye completely. She wore a light blue t-shirt with a white and blue striped long-sleeve shirt underneath, a blue skirt, thigh-high stockings that matched her long sleeves, and a pair of light blue sneakers with the tops folded down. The t-shirt had a red number "25" on it. Rather fashionable for a she-beast.

"W-WHAT ARE YOU?" Kino cried out.

After the beast stared at him for a moment, she simply blurted out, "Ha! You blinked! I win, Pika!"

What was this creature? Kino thought to himself. She sorta looks like that electric Pokemon I learned about in Biology class last week. Dr. Zhou swore up and down that it was a Mouse Pokemon, though it reminds me more of a rabbit...

"How much longer are you gonna stand there?" said the beast, hands on her hips. "Weren'tcha gonna try to take back your coins, Pika?" after saying that, she lunged at Kino. "Well if you're not gonna start this fight, then I will!"

She kicked at Kino, aiming for his crotch. Kino jumped back to dodge the underhanded assult. "Nice try!" He did a sweep, knocking her off of her other leg, causing her to fall flat on her back. "You'll never beat me with those kindergarten karate skills!" Kino lept at the beast, fist in the air, poised for the finishing blow, when suddenly she disappeared. Kino looked around, wondering where she went, then felt a hand on his back. "Nice try, Pika! Heart" The Pikagirl used Thundershock on Kino.

"AAAUUUGHHAAA!!!" Kino could feel the current coarsing through his veins, seizing up his muscles, cracking his bones. This was an agony the likes of which he never experienced before. The attack left him still quivering, unable to move, every breath like swallowing broken glass. "W-what did yyou do t-t-to me?" he stammered, his consciousness failing. "I paralyzed ya. Don't worry, it'll wear off in a little while, Pika, but if we were real enemies, you would be pizza topping by now!" She jabbed her finger at him with a smug look on her face. "You're obviously not ready to fight the bad guys yet, Pika." "B-bad guys? W-what're you--"

Suddenly a greenish blur swooped down and knocked the beast back a few yards and flat on her back. She now had a large wound on her belly and blood was seeping out of her mouth. She looked at her attacker -- it was Gun.

"The only bad guy I see around here IS YOU!" barked Gun, giving her a finger jab of his own.

Slowly the she-beast got back on her feet. "Fine, Pika, don't take my word for it." Her face became stern. "You'll find out one way or another, Pika, and this time no crusty, middle-aged, mustachioed plumbers will be here to pull your candy asses out of the fire!"

"Sez you, you freak!" shouted Gun as he rushed in for another attack. The Pikagirl used Quick Attack, teleporting behind Gun and delivering a swift roundhouse kick to the back of his head, sending him sprawling.

"We'll meet again, losers. Try not to die before then! Pika Pika Pika!" she taunted as she teleported off the train with Agility.

Kino was knocked out, but Gun still had stamina enough to get up and notice, right where the girl disappeared, that she left Kino's wallet.

"Who is this chick?" said Gun, not expecting an answer anytime soon.

To be continued...

RE: Super Mario Bros. Nexgen - Maxpphire - 02-26-2011

So I heard from someone who has read this that some of the lines and phrases are from the book "The Pearl" with just a few words replaced. (He says he is 90% sure but not to quote him on this.) So until I can find more proof of this accusation, you are on thin ice.

RE: Super Mario Bros. Nexgen - Cobalt Blue - 02-26-2011

i really dont know if this is actually not taking itself seriusly about a toad figthing an anthro pikachu, or if it tries to be serious about a toad fighting an anthro pikachu.

to be honest whats the point on having an anthro pikachu anyway? you might as well have the entire cast go on anthro, or none of them being anthro anyway. sounds like a rather forced thing just to fit someone's pleasure rather than a decision based on how said world would work. the whole setting is sounds extremely predictable, trying to be something between a wonderboy adventure and a pseudo action film.

should i guess he laters finds about his parents, the falls in love with the anthro female pikachu(?), and he's actually a chosen one, and the world's fate lies on his mushroom hands and he fights constantly with his martial arts and guts after chasing trains and flipping cars. on the mushroom kingdom.

i dont really want to sound like a jerk, but it really sounds like the novelization of every sprite webcomic ever made. and that alone is horrible.

RE: Super Mario Bros. Nexgen - LeleleleMAXIMUM - 02-26-2011

I don't see what this has to do with Steinbeck's Pearl. But, uhh, the writing is pretty bad.
From the start, you could tell this'd be another excuse for a fanfic based around fanmade characters. I can almost hear you fap.

Er, well, moving away from masturbatory sounds, there is no setup at all for the story. We as readers can't even tell what the setting is. Okay, sure, you said "Mushroom Kingdom," but that's assuming everyone knows what that should look like. And that could actually bring different things to mind depending on the person. Personally, it brought a 2D Pixelated world to mind, so your animated-feeling characters looked to me like they were running around in a flat world.

Take your time to flesh out the world they're living in.
You as an author are very visible in this work, it's as if you're right there going "ahurk-hurk-hurk, so, like, this is a random scene where i show a pikachick opening the proverbial door to Wonderland, ahurk-hurk"

I'd have to agree with Metaru. Although we haven't really seen much to go on, this seems way too much like you're going for a "you are the chosun wans, save the world hurr" story.

RE: Super Mario Bros. Nexgen - Maxpphire - 02-26-2011

"Kino was in a state of shock as he caught first glance at the thief. It looked to be an antropomorphic version of a Pikachu, and appeared to be female."

This was the phrase in question that was brought to my attention so I'm going to look into it more is all I am saying. If not then he is fine, if so then he'll have to face the consequences. (Quite obviously a few of the words were replaced if it was copied.)


EDIT- I checked it out and there was no connection to that phrase to the book. In fact the one thing the book seems to have in common is the name Kino. Carry on.

RE: Super Mario Bros. Nexgen - Kosheh - 02-27-2011

I don't know what to think
especially because I understand the reasoning of the Yoshi's name
and I laughed because it was so clever
(but toad's is just a giveaway, derf)



This would be a totally amazing story if the story were about two shroom addicts who fought crime while ridiculously high, the drugs clouding their judgement and making two paranoid, inferior creatures who typically can't fend for themselves the most headstrong characters in the mushroom kingdom

and then Luigi sends them creepy mail constantly for stealing their fame (and jobs) but neither of them can even recall why they're being threatened in the first place until they realize that they're actually crimefighters when they're totally strung out


hell why haven't I wrote mario fanfiction yet


but yeah, as-is it's...sort of interesting? But something about Mushroom Kingdom citizens knowing about Pokemon seems a little...fourth-wall breaking? I don't remember the exact term, but Pokemon and Mario games take place in two completely different dimensions. It'd be impossible for the two of them to have any idea who the other is. <_<

It...doesn't feel very creative yet. I'll wait until the second part before I get really critical, I guess

RE: Super Mario Bros. Nexgen - Kino Eastriver - 02-28-2011

( T_T...man, things really have changed around here.) Well, before I say anything, let me emphasize that I take no offense whatsoever from your reviews on the story so far. I depend on your opinions and observations to help me make a better story. Having said that...

First of all, Kat, I never read The Pearl (It was mostly S. E. Hinton novels in my old English class,) so I can guarantee that not a single word was lifted from that book. Also, I named my protagonist Kino after Toad's Japanese name, Kinopio. Furthermore, the Japanese word for "mushroom" is Kinoko. I thought it sounded cool and easy to say, so I went with it.

Second of all, Fuchikoma, there is a good reason for the Pikagirl, so don't run in terror just yet. And no, I'm not going to pretend that this isn't what you think this is. While there will be elements from other genres, this is definately a tale full of comedic/superhero/kung-fu/adventure/Ginyu Force bullcrap. A Mario-themed story told from the sidelines with characters just having a good time. I didn't realize it was possible for people to get tired of that. Maybe I picked the wrong genre...

And Murderbeard, nice job with your review, saying exactly what I was afraid people would say. Again, I won't lie about this, this story was meant to explain the mythology behind my fanchars. As for setting, I thought I descibed Flotsam Beach adequately, but if you're saying no, then I must have done something wrong. Help me out here, Murderbeard. What's not coming together?

Kosheh, to be matter of fact, this isn't purely a "Mario" world, but a "Nintendo" world, which is why you saw Pokemon-themed characters in this chapter. Expect yourself to meet characters from other games as well in chapters to come. BTW, that premise you just gave was pretty neat, but Kino and Gun aren't on drugs, they're just dumbfounded that they got their asses kicked in the most unlikely way possible.

Anyway, I'll have World 1-2 done shortly. Thanks again for all your help!

RE: Super Mario Bros. Nexgen - Maxpphire - 02-28-2011

Things haven't changed around here at all, we have always told it how we saw it and we see your Mario +Pokemon world like as if it was a written version of a sprite comic.

Basically all sprite comics are terrible. They rarely ever make their own sprites, characters, or original story lines for them. It becomes boring to see them same thing time after time, even if it is in written form instead.

RE: Super Mario Bros. Nexgen - Cobalt Blue - 02-28-2011

its basically ANOTHER mario fanfic.

i doubt there's a better way to describe it as it is now.

RE: Super Mario Bros. Nexgen - LeleleleMAXIMUM - 03-01-2011

also
show don't tell

RE: Super Mario Bros. Nexgen - Koopaul - 03-02-2011

I believe fan fiction can be good if you make extreme restrictions. It's really hard to take another person's work and make your own story from it. But people do it in the professional world all the time.

Their have been many Star Wars novels that were way better than George Lucas' Episodes 1, 2, and 3. Oh god those were shit.
How do those authors go about using Lucas' universe and make a good story?

Think about that.

RE: Super Mario Bros. Nexgen - Sengir - 03-02-2011

(03-02-2011, 03:53 PM)Koopaul Wrote: I believe fan fiction can be good if you make extreme restrictions. It's really hard to take another person's work and make your own story from it. But people do it in the professional world all the time.

Their have been many Star Wars novels that were way better than George Lucas' Episodes 1, 2, and 3. Oh god those were shit.
How do those authors go about using Lucas' universe and make a good story?

Think about that.

Except the Mario, Zelda, Kirby, etc. universes were not meant to be stories, but experiences. Mario, Link, Kirby, etc don't talk, so you're already departing from tradition when you give them lines (and it's even weirder to say something like "Mario made several odd gestures, implying that the Shroob mothership was taking over Princess Peach's castle in the past")

Nintendo games are to be played, not read. Movies and books/comics != games and books/comics.

RE: Super Mario Bros. Nexgen - Cobalt Blue - 03-02-2011

at least not on characters who have no dialogs at all, who have no background, no personality, but rather purely made out of desing.

maybe in the Zelda games universe would be easier to develop stories as such, even on metroid games. but mario fanfics(and sprite comics, by extension) run purely on the fantasy of each author. thus generating a version of an already existing story with mario characters, rather than a proper story based on the... "events" that happen onthe game. or even from one of the characters involved.

(act surprised if you see a naruto-like sotry with mario characters)

RE: Super Mario Bros. Nexgen - LeleleleMAXIMUM - 03-03-2011

i don't really care for the subject matter. you can write about anything you want as far as i'm concerned. it's the motive behind it that i'm worried about.

also, these lines are examples of bad writing, and i'll tell you why (yeah, i'm actually trying to help you improve, i'm a nice guy like that):

"These were the kind of dull, mundane moments Kino and Gun cherished the most, for they understood that a true friendship is measured not in minutes, but in moments." <-- this is what i was talking about when i said, "show, don't tell." i mean, you already showed an example of a "dull moment," why'd you need to add this? make the reader realize these things, don't shove it in their faces.

"Gun launched out his tongue, which could extend to about eight times his body length, wrapped it around Kino, and with one swift motion flung him toward the train." <-- yeah, okay, gunpei is a yoshi. and i know what a yoshi is. but how about the other people who don't? even given the fact that i knew what a yoshi was, i got taken aback by this a bit. he wrapped him with his tongue. brokeback flotsam beach. looking back, they weren't even described. the pikachick got more attention.


""The only bad guy I see around here IS YOU!" barked Gun, giving her a finger jab of his own." <-- you just made someone bleed. the obvious next course of action is to walk up to her and jab her with your finger. and then he "rushes" in for an attack. dunno about you, but a finger jab sounds to me like you'd be pretty close to a person already. unless you mean he was "jabbing" from a distasnce, which isn't really a jab.

tbh i made a mistake with my first statement (in my first post above), i wasn't reading carefully. the setting's described okay-ish, but the premise is not. a lot of detail seems cluttered into one paragraph, yet at the same time more detail is needed. hmm, how should i say this; not detail, maybe setting it up.

that said, the premise is actually pretty interesting, just don't make it a "we will save the world" story. in the first place, why would pokemon try to save the mushroom kingdom. think about it.

peace



RE: Super Mario Bros. Nexgen - des - 03-03-2011

also as someone who been on pt for about 5 somethign years i can tell you it has always been this way; mediocrity is criticized and 90% of sprite comics/stories fail

don't be discouraged; you can keep making video game themed art or writing but just find a way to twist it and make it your own, and then just worry about getting better than yourself, study your odds, not the old masters or your contemporaries (although studying from those better than you is probably a good idea lol)

trust me, coming from someone who made this

[img]also as someone who been on pt for about 5 somethign years i can tell you it has always been this way; mediocrity is criticized and 90% of sprite comics/stories fail

don't be discouraged; you can keep making video game themed art or writing but just find a way to twist it and make it your own, and then just worry about getting better than yourself, study your odds, not the old masters or your contemporaries (although studying from those better than you is probably a good idea lol)

trust me, coming from someone who made this

[Image: comic2k.png]
i know what im talking aboutg[/img]
i know what im talking about