02-26-2011, 10:53 PM
I don't see what this has to do with Steinbeck's Pearl. But, uhh, the writing is pretty bad.
From the start, you could tell this'd be another excuse for a fanfic based around fanmade characters. I can almost hear you fap.
Er, well, moving away from masturbatory sounds, there is no setup at all for the story. We as readers can't even tell what the setting is. Okay, sure, you said "Mushroom Kingdom," but that's assuming everyone knows what that should look like. And that could actually bring different things to mind depending on the person. Personally, it brought a 2D Pixelated world to mind, so your animated-feeling characters looked to me like they were running around in a flat world.
Take your time to flesh out the world they're living in.
You as an author are very visible in this work, it's as if you're right there going "ahurk-hurk-hurk, so, like, this is a random scene where i show a pikachick opening the proverbial door to Wonderland, ahurk-hurk"
I'd have to agree with Metaru. Although we haven't really seen much to go on, this seems way too much like you're going for a "you are the chosun wans, save the world hurr" story.
From the start, you could tell this'd be another excuse for a fanfic based around fanmade characters. I can almost hear you fap.
Er, well, moving away from masturbatory sounds, there is no setup at all for the story. We as readers can't even tell what the setting is. Okay, sure, you said "Mushroom Kingdom," but that's assuming everyone knows what that should look like. And that could actually bring different things to mind depending on the person. Personally, it brought a 2D Pixelated world to mind, so your animated-feeling characters looked to me like they were running around in a flat world.
Take your time to flesh out the world they're living in.
You as an author are very visible in this work, it's as if you're right there going "ahurk-hurk-hurk, so, like, this is a random scene where i show a pikachick opening the proverbial door to Wonderland, ahurk-hurk"
I'd have to agree with Metaru. Although we haven't really seen much to go on, this seems way too much like you're going for a "you are the chosun wans, save the world hurr" story.
![[Image: ZRdfkWQ.jpg]](http://i.imgur.com/ZRdfkWQ.jpg)