03-03-2011, 09:35 AM
(This post was last modified: 03-03-2011, 09:40 AM by LeleleleMAXIMUM.)
i don't really care for the subject matter. you can write about anything you want as far as i'm concerned. it's the motive behind it that i'm worried about.
also, these lines are examples of bad writing, and i'll tell you why (yeah, i'm actually trying to help you improve, i'm a nice guy like that):
"These were the kind of dull, mundane moments Kino and Gun cherished the most, for they understood that a true friendship is measured not in minutes, but in moments." <-- this is what i was talking about when i said, "show, don't tell." i mean, you already showed an example of a "dull moment," why'd you need to add this? make the reader realize these things, don't shove it in their faces.
"Gun launched out his tongue, which could extend to about eight times his body length, wrapped it around Kino, and with one swift motion flung him toward the train." <-- yeah, okay, gunpei is a yoshi. and i know what a yoshi is. but how about the other people who don't? even given the fact that i knew what a yoshi was, i got taken aback by this a bit. he wrapped him with his tongue. brokeback flotsam beach. looking back, they weren't even described. the pikachick got more attention.
""The only bad guy I see around here IS YOU!" barked Gun, giving her a finger jab of his own." <-- you just made someone bleed. the obvious next course of action is to walk up to her and jab her with your finger. and then he "rushes" in for an attack. dunno about you, but a finger jab sounds to me like you'd be pretty close to a person already. unless you mean he was "jabbing" from a distasnce, which isn't really a jab.
tbh i made a mistake with my first statement (in my first post above), i wasn't reading carefully. the setting's described okay-ish, but the premise is not. a lot of detail seems cluttered into one paragraph, yet at the same time more detail is needed. hmm, how should i say this; not detail, maybe setting it up.
that said, the premise is actually pretty interesting, just don't make it a "we will save the world" story. in the first place, why would pokemon try to save the mushroom kingdom. think about it.
peace
also, these lines are examples of bad writing, and i'll tell you why (yeah, i'm actually trying to help you improve, i'm a nice guy like that):
"These were the kind of dull, mundane moments Kino and Gun cherished the most, for they understood that a true friendship is measured not in minutes, but in moments." <-- this is what i was talking about when i said, "show, don't tell." i mean, you already showed an example of a "dull moment," why'd you need to add this? make the reader realize these things, don't shove it in their faces.
"Gun launched out his tongue, which could extend to about eight times his body length, wrapped it around Kino, and with one swift motion flung him toward the train." <-- yeah, okay, gunpei is a yoshi. and i know what a yoshi is. but how about the other people who don't? even given the fact that i knew what a yoshi was, i got taken aback by this a bit. he wrapped him with his tongue. brokeback flotsam beach. looking back, they weren't even described. the pikachick got more attention.
""The only bad guy I see around here IS YOU!" barked Gun, giving her a finger jab of his own." <-- you just made someone bleed. the obvious next course of action is to walk up to her and jab her with your finger. and then he "rushes" in for an attack. dunno about you, but a finger jab sounds to me like you'd be pretty close to a person already. unless you mean he was "jabbing" from a distasnce, which isn't really a jab.
tbh i made a mistake with my first statement (in my first post above), i wasn't reading carefully. the setting's described okay-ish, but the premise is not. a lot of detail seems cluttered into one paragraph, yet at the same time more detail is needed. hmm, how should i say this; not detail, maybe setting it up.
that said, the premise is actually pretty interesting, just don't make it a "we will save the world" story. in the first place, why would pokemon try to save the mushroom kingdom. think about it.
peace
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