Instead of taking the easy way out and simply calling your work out and being a dick like the others,
I'm going to be constructive. Well to be honest this whole story isn't that bad I mean you tried with this one and that's really what matters.
If you enjoy doing it by all means keep doin' your thing. But well there are some areas which I felt I should give feedback upon which I should let you know.
I'm going to be constructive. Well to be honest this whole story isn't that bad I mean you tried with this one and that's really what matters.
If you enjoy doing it by all means keep doin' your thing. But well there are some areas which I felt I should give feedback upon which I should let you know.
![[+]](images/collapse_collapsed.png "[+]")
Spoiler In the beginning you kind of delve too deep into the Mario universe that I was confused as to why it was titled what it was, then it seemed way to rushed and weird when all the Metroid and Earthbound enemies showed up. So I suggest you start it with something other than just Mario and Luigi getting a letter. Plus a party being wrecked by Bowser seems so typical in this story making the reader feel like "ugh this shit again" (much like Team Rocket started becoming) I feel Bowser shouldn't be directly the cause to the subspace opening up alone though he should be part of a bigger plan involving all the villains in each universe. The fact that Mario gets kidnapped by some mini-Mario's makes it weird when the other enemies show up making it seem monotonous as if you have a mess of enemies just going on. I feel you could pull this concept of the mini-Mario's off if it all comes together in the end, since your current point of the story seems loose as if it's all improvised directed plot, though I do understand how it usually goes like this in the beginning of a story, and I have a feeling it feels like this since you may have something bigger planned. My biggest complain though is the fact that you chose to make Mario, Luigi and even Yoshi's speech inaudible to the reader yet not to the characters. Now this concept works for the games yet not for a dialogue based script, it would even work for a narrative, but it gets annoying in script since you basically have a silent character on stage who's not even saying anything but exclamations, I do understand Yoshi though but by now you have too many mumbling characters that you might as well not include him. So I do think you should change that. Also a big complaint I feel as through whether it should be a narrative instead of a script since by chapter 3 you have so many inaudible characters DK and Diddy and Luigi still mumbling to the point where he just sounds like a retard. You say to disregard the small details but in cases like this we need them to see what the hell is going on. Towards the end though I feel the story is getting monotonous as now we have all these silent characters and everything seems like its copied from a videogame and pasted onto the story and it becomes predictable you should never make your stories travel in a pattern because that's usually what bores people is predictability. I imagine Samus would team up with them now at this point, and it would keep going like that til they have enough people show up and beat Bowser. With the whole thing involving Mario's universe and Zelda suddenly caring to help. I feel as if Peach shouldn't be the bearer of bad news in this unknown land and suddenly convincing them their in danger when it hasn't been presented. It's weird how upon arrival they get to Link then Zelda and now everyone's back at E. Gadd's like its some kind of a reunion.
Try reworking the plot and it's element take what I said and work with it. Think of these as drafts to the actual story, write a big plot down, and how it would go through then put the whole thing down right. If anything try putting this as a comic if you can't draw try sprite comic if you're not skilled enough to make it eye-popping, work on your writing to make it more vivid and less fluid since right now your story feels like water, watching a bland stream trying to see where it goes and it just keeps coming back to the same point.
Try reworking the plot and it's element take what I said and work with it. Think of these as drafts to the actual story, write a big plot down, and how it would go through then put the whole thing down right. If anything try putting this as a comic if you can't draw try sprite comic if you're not skilled enough to make it eye-popping, work on your writing to make it more vivid and less fluid since right now your story feels like water, watching a bland stream trying to see where it goes and it just keeps coming back to the same point.