Lycoris [writing]

[Vipershark]

Like Tyvon, I only read the first paragraph. I started the second, but couldn't bear to finish.

Do take his advice and fix your grammar.
You use sentences like this. A lot. And you should fix them. Because they're too short. And there isn't enough content in one sentence. Because they're so short. You use about three sentences. To hold the same amount of content. That could fit in a single one.

For example: (Picking a random piece of story here)

“…The key to open the door is in your hand, now fly me there…” After awhile of running he grew tired. He stopped and fells to his knees from the exhaustion. He looked up and saw something in the distance.

Should be:

“…The key to open the door is in your hand. Now fly me there…”
After a while of running, he grew tired and fell to his knees from exhaustion. As he sat there, he looked up and saw something in the distance.

Or something along those lines.

Also you used the word twilight in it so I refuse to read it because it sounds like fan fiction :p