Lycoris [writing]

[Maxpphire]

(Oh hey look I actually wrote things for it. I'm probably not going to come out with the script until I have the help of an artist to make it into a comic. So for now you'll just have to deal with it in a sort of book format. Feel free to tell me what sucks and how I can improve it. It would be nice. On and credit to Yuki Kajiura for the song lyrics I've used in this chapter.)

Lycoris: The Dream

“Come with me in the twilight of a summer night for awhile, tell me of a story never ever told in the past…” said a voice which seemed to come from all directions in a land shrouded by night. A boy in his late teens of normal stature stood in the middle of a field filled with slightly long soft grass that followed the wind. His slightly long black hair seemed to do the same as the grass.

“…Take me back to the land where my yearnings were born…” He looked ahead with his bright green eyes. The Voice seemed to beckon him. He started to run and the wind seemed to be pushing him back. His red plaid shirt flowed with the wind. He let the shirt go to stop it from holding him back. The wind felt cold against his arms as if it was ghosts flying through him rather then the wind but his white tee shirt and his jeans kept the rest of his body warm.

“…The key to open the door is in your hand, now fly me there…” After awhile of running he grew tired. He stopped and fells to his knees from the exhaustion. He looked up and saw something in the distance.

“…Fanatics find their heaven in never ending storming wind, auguries of destruction be a lullaby for rebirth…” The wind pushed him forward onto his stomach. He was tired but something was telling him to go, to run towered whatever it was in the distance. For the Voice called out to him still. The voice sounded familiar but he has never heard it before either.

“…Consolations, be there, in my dreamland to come, the key to open the door is in your hand, now take me there…” He had somehow managed to get himself back up. His legs weren’t wobbly or weak. They stood as well as they did at the beginning. He continued to run and while getting closer he discovered trees. As he grew closer it became a forest.

“…I believe in fantasies invisible to me…” He stopped in front of the line of trees. One thing he noticed that was strange about the trees is that they each had a door with a keyhole and all of the keyholes were crossed off and X made of blood. He walked Deeper into the forest. At one point he noticed that the doors on the trees were becoming sparse and was seeing just normal trees. He walked up to one tree in particular that had no X on the keyhole. It had his name above the door. He opened his mouth and said his name but now sound came out.

“…In the land of misery I'm searchin' for the sign…” He turned out quickly and looked behind him. He felt as if he was being watched. He looked at a pair of shrubs that sat behind him. He walked towered the shrubs and this giant black thing jumped out from behind them. You’d be surprised on how the thing even managed to hide behind there. It hit him with the back of its hand. He flew into his tree hitting it hard. He fell to the ground and his head hurt quite a lot. He reached his hand to touch were his head hit the tree. He felt a warm liquid and he brought his hand to look at the color and it was red. He looked up at the black thing and it looked like a giant rabbit. It was standing on its two hind legs and had claw like fingers. It had a long jagged tail and ears and it had two round eyes which glowed a deep dark blue. It looked at him with a very toothy grin and all of its teeth were fangs.

“…To the door of mystery and dignity I'm wandering down and searchin' down the secret sun…” He stood up and this time his legs did feel weak. In fact his whole body did. He managed to stay standing. It was quite obvious on what this thing came here for. It wanted to fight him. The boy looked back at the evil rabbit. How was he supposed to fight him? He sure was no match at strength. He frantically searched for a weapon of some sort on his body. Unfortunately he found nothing. The creature seemed to move towered as a blur of pure blackness and it pinned him up against his tree.

“…Come with me in the twilight of a summer night for awhile, Tell me of a story never ever told in the past…”He all of a sudden felt immense pain. He screamed out as loud as he could but was silent. He started the bleed out of his mouth and felt the warm liquid move from the middle of his chest down to his legs. He started having a hard time breathing as well. He looked down to see what had injured him and he saw the arm of the creature sticking out from his body. His legs easily gave out but was caught by the creature from falling. To keep him upright the creature held him up by his hair.

“…Take me back to the land where my yearnings were born…” He felt the claws move around inside him as if it was searching for something. It hurt to feel one of his lung torn apart and to feel the scratches left on his heart from being manhandled from the inside out. He tried his best to keep a straight face but his lip would soon be pierced if he tried to keep it up for any longer then 30 seconds he has already tried to. He screamed out in pain without noise. His ribs broke in many places but the cracking could not be heard.

“…The key to open the door is in your hand…” The arm slowly pulled out to reveal the creature’s hand which in turn revealed a key. The creature held out the key a bit teasingly. The boy quickly grabbed it from the creature and in turn the creature left. He felt himself fading kind of fast to he hurried and tried to shove the thing into the keyhole of the tree with his name. He missed a few times but finally got it in. He turned the key and opened the door. Wind blew him away from the opening but he held on and pulled himself into the door then closed his eyes. To which he heard the last of the voice “…Now take me there, to the land of twilight.”

[Alpha Six]

I only read the first paragraph.

You need to work on your grammar a LOT, hon.

[Vipershark]

Like Tyvon, I only read the first paragraph. I started the second, but couldn't bear to finish.

Do take his advice and fix your grammar.
You use sentences like this. A lot. And you should fix them. Because they're too short. And there isn't enough content in one sentence. Because they're so short. You use about three sentences. To hold the same amount of content. That could fit in a single one.

For example: (Picking a random piece of story here)

“…The key to open the door is in your hand, now fly me there…” After awhile of running he grew tired. He stopped and fells to his knees from the exhaustion. He looked up and saw something in the distance.

Should be:

“…The key to open the door is in your hand. Now fly me there…”
After a while of running, he grew tired and fell to his knees from exhaustion. As he sat there, he looked up and saw something in the distance.

Or something along those lines.

Also you used the word twilight in it so I refuse to read it because it sounds like fan fiction :p

[Maxpphire]

Why thanks guys, I'll probably have re-written the first chapter by the end of the week or so. Also Lycoris means twilight in Greek and in the story it has to do with the Lycoris flower and the time of day not the BS Meyer vampire shit, I promise you that

[Chris2Balls [:B]]

You need punctuation in there. As VS said, you have many short sentences. Short sentences are for giving an effect of suspense or dynamicity. You give long-winded explanations (due to the lack of punctuation) that I personally can't take seriously, and I even lol'd:

“…In the land of misery I'm searchin' for the sign…” He turned out quickly and looked behind him. He felt as if he was being watched (cliché, avoid). He looked at a pair of shrubs that sat (inadequate) behind him. He walked towered(reread carefully ) the shrubs and this(avoid, colloquialism) giant black thing jumped out from behind them(who?). You’d be surprised on how the thing even managed to hide behind there. It hit him with the back of its hand. He flew into his tree hitting it hard. He fell to the ground and his head hurt quite a lot. He reached his hand to touch were his head hit the tree. He felt a warm liquid and(too many of those, make use of more punctuation, it's more effective) he brought his hand to look at the color and it was red. He looked up at the black thing and it looked like(is it a giant rabbit or does it just look like one?) a giant rabbit. It was standing on its two hind legs and had claw like fingers. It had a long jagged tail and ears and it had two round eyes which glowed a deep dark blue. It looked at him with a very toothy grin and all of its teeth were fangs.

Never use "thing", it's big down: try and use more synonyms, expand your vocabulary. Your explanation is like a humouristic aparté to your readers, so you should reformulate it. Conctractions aren't a good idea after. The dark bunny thing reminded me of Monty Python =P.
Ah, a suggestion among many:
He felt a warm liquid and he brought his hand to look at the color and it was red.
"A warm liquid slid down the back of his head. The boy placed his hand on it, and brought it before his eyes: it was blood."

[Vipershark]

^Good advice listen to this man

[Chris2Balls [:B]]

This comes from my nit-picking teachers, they traumatised me with this ;p