09-10-2015, 02:24 PM
![[+]](images/collapse_collapsed.png "[+]")
Slightly bad news, guys. A good online friend mentioned that besides several typos that I somehow missed, the exposition in some places could use more work. On top of that, there are several places where the dialog seems forced. In any case, I'll give the script another rewrite to iron out the remaining problems. I only got clear feedback on the first bit, which is why I only rewrote that part so far.
The Koopa Bros.: Back in Action
(The title of the short appears over an outside pan of the Koopa Bros. Fortress. I do not know if the fortress should look like it has seen better days or not ever since its appearance in Paper Mario. Inside, we find Red pacing around and sighing in the bedroom of the Koopa Bros. Yellow is nearby soldering a motherboard at a table.)
Red: *Sigh* Another day doin' jack all…
(Yellow sets down his soldering tool and looks at Red.)
Yellow: Is there something troubling you, Red?
Red: You're the brainiac, so figure it out yerself.
Black: *Offscreen* Save your brainpower, Yellow. He's just whining about how we haven't got a gig from Bowser in ages.
(Red gets startled by this comment as the camera quickly shifts to Black sitting on the bed next to him.)
Red: *Pants a bit* JEEZ, Black! Stop usin' that freaky ninja stuff on me!
Green: *Offscreen* Red! RED! *Barges in* What's wrong! What's wro- WHOA!
(Green trips on the floor and Red facepalms.)
Red: *Under his breath* Klutz...
Black: Just ignore that coward, Green. He only shrieked when I sneaked up on him during another pointless venting session.
(Red glares at Black.)
Green: Oh? You ventin' about unemployment again, dude?
Red: *Facepalming* No… I was jabbin' about how us four ain't in Smash Bros… *Waits a bit and then explodes into a rage* OF COURSE I WAS RANTIN' ABOUT THAT, SHELL-BRAIN! Since the head honcho ain't got use for us yet, we lack the goons and dough from keeping this fort from goin' south!
(As Red is shouting at Green, Green is cowering before Red. Yellow is worried and puts his hand over his mouth, while Black is standing there rolling his eyes with his arms crossed.)
Green: *After a moment, he composes himself by taking a deep breath* You didn't have to, like, blow your stack, dude. I was only askin' *Thinks for a bit* Say, why's this place goin' south anyhow? Seems fine to me.
Suggestion 1
Red: Of course it does, Green… Everything looks PEACHY-KEEN to a ding-dong, like YOU! Look, since I'm so nice, I'll gladly break it down… AGAIN! The traps and stuff are totally busted! The indoor pools look funky and I'm not sure I WANT to know what's livin' in them now! As for our jail, people keep escapin' it for SOME reason I cant figure out! Yeah, I know Sausage-Nose and that chick blew a hole in it, but we patched it up, so why can't even a Goomba in!? The only guy in it now is that undead freak who keeps popping in and out like he owns the place…
Suggestion 2
Red: Of course it does, Green… Everything looks PEACHY-KEEN to a ding-dong, like YOU! Look, since I'm so nice, I'll gladly break it down… AGAIN! The traps and stuff are totally busted! The indoor pools look funky and I'm not sure I WANT to know what's livin' in them now! As for our jail, people keep escapin' it for SOME reason I cant figure out! Yeah, I know Sausage-Nose and one of those Bob-ombs blew a hole in it, but we patched it up, so why can't even a Goomba in!? The only guy in it now is that undead freak who keeps popping in and out like he owns the place…
(As Red is explaining his dilemma, the camera cuts and pans around various parts of the fortress. The hallway with the firebars shows the firebars all burnt out with ashes in their places. When the camera shows the base of entry tower with the pool of water, the green pool of sludgy water bubbles as a octopus tentacle rises from it. As for the cell where the Bob-ombs were once held, it shows the inside has graffiti in it. There is a lone Dry Bones collapsed on the floor, but it shortly rearranges its pieces back together and lets out an eerie cackle. When Red is done explaining, the camera cuts back to the bedroom.)
Green: Aw, it's not so bad, Red! That thing in the water's totally nice, especially when you feed it pizza! Also, that was me lettin' those guys out.
(Red gives Green an annoyed look.)
Green: What? Bill Bones gets shy a lot and he pays the rent down there!
Black: Heh… From what Green is saying, we're better off making this place a cheap motel just to pay for renovations… Still, if it'll keep your shell from getting bunched up, I'd say we try doing Bowser a favor.
Red: Get another job from King Firebreath? The guy hates our guts too much to even put us on KP duty just for minimum wage…
Green: But, Red, I thought King B just isn't interested in us since even Goombas are-
Red: SHUT UP, ya IDIOT! He hates us since Fatty Red creamed us and that's THAT!
Yellow: Green is right, Red. No offense to you, but Bowser clearly used terms and facial expressions to show indiffere-
Red: Yeah, yeah… Whatever, Yellow… Look, guys, the only way to win the big guy's trust is to mop the floor with that plumber, but good luck takin' out the guy who even makes the KING look bogus.
Green: Don't forget he even thrashed that baby Koopa dude who totally curb stomped us back at-
Red: CAN IT, GREEN!
Yellow: May I make a suggestion, Red? Perhaps taking an important person in Mario's life as a hostage would act as a kind of bargaining chip to gain the upper-hand?
Red: And that's why you're freakin' Einstein, compadre! *Thinks for a bit* Now, Peach is out since security's probably tight after bossman snatches her up all the time.
Green: But dude! her place is still totally free from any-
Red: *Snaps fingers* BINGO! Remember Plumber Boy's gang of dweebs from that Star Spirits rigmarole? We nab one and we're GOLDEN!
Black: Red, none of them are completely helpless. You're better off catching Luigi, who is actually quite simple to-
Red: C'mon, bros! Get your K-Game on 'cuz we're headin' out to Goomba Village! Yellow, you yeurself useful and get one of yer trap doohickies ready!
Yellow: I actually have this really brilliant one I'm just about to put the finishing touches on, so give me a moment to find it.
(Red grins at this idea and both he and Yellow exit the bedroom. Green looks at Black, who sighs and preforms a single bacflip out the window. Green looks frontwards toward the viewer and makes an "I-don't-know" pose at the viewer before leaving.)
(The title of the short appears over an outside pan of the Koopa Bros. Fortress. I do not know if the fortress should look like it has seen better days or not ever since its appearance in Paper Mario. Inside, we find Red pacing around and sighing in the bedroom of the Koopa Bros. Yellow is nearby soldering a motherboard at a table.)
Red: *Sigh* Another day doin' jack all…
(Yellow sets down his soldering tool and looks at Red.)
Yellow: Is there something troubling you, Red?
Red: You're the brainiac, so figure it out yerself.
Black: *Offscreen* Save your brainpower, Yellow. He's just whining about how we haven't got a gig from Bowser in ages.
(Red gets startled by this comment as the camera quickly shifts to Black sitting on the bed next to him.)
Red: *Pants a bit* JEEZ, Black! Stop usin' that freaky ninja stuff on me!
Green: *Offscreen* Red! RED! *Barges in* What's wrong! What's wro- WHOA!
(Green trips on the floor and Red facepalms.)
Red: *Under his breath* Klutz...
Black: Just ignore that coward, Green. He only shrieked when I sneaked up on him during another pointless venting session.
(Red glares at Black.)
Green: Oh? You ventin' about unemployment again, dude?
Red: *Facepalming* No… I was jabbin' about how us four ain't in Smash Bros… *Waits a bit and then explodes into a rage* OF COURSE I WAS RANTIN' ABOUT THAT, SHELL-BRAIN! Since the head honcho ain't got use for us yet, we lack the goons and dough from keeping this fort from goin' south!
(As Red is shouting at Green, Green is cowering before Red. Yellow is worried and puts his hand over his mouth, while Black is standing there rolling his eyes with his arms crossed.)
Green: *After a moment, he composes himself by taking a deep breath* You didn't have to, like, blow your stack, dude. I was only askin' *Thinks for a bit* Say, why's this place goin' south anyhow? Seems fine to me.
Suggestion 1
Red: Of course it does, Green… Everything looks PEACHY-KEEN to a ding-dong, like YOU! Look, since I'm so nice, I'll gladly break it down… AGAIN! The traps and stuff are totally busted! The indoor pools look funky and I'm not sure I WANT to know what's livin' in them now! As for our jail, people keep escapin' it for SOME reason I cant figure out! Yeah, I know Sausage-Nose and that chick blew a hole in it, but we patched it up, so why can't even a Goomba in!? The only guy in it now is that undead freak who keeps popping in and out like he owns the place…
Suggestion 2
Red: Of course it does, Green… Everything looks PEACHY-KEEN to a ding-dong, like YOU! Look, since I'm so nice, I'll gladly break it down… AGAIN! The traps and stuff are totally busted! The indoor pools look funky and I'm not sure I WANT to know what's livin' in them now! As for our jail, people keep escapin' it for SOME reason I cant figure out! Yeah, I know Sausage-Nose and one of those Bob-ombs blew a hole in it, but we patched it up, so why can't even a Goomba in!? The only guy in it now is that undead freak who keeps popping in and out like he owns the place…
(As Red is explaining his dilemma, the camera cuts and pans around various parts of the fortress. The hallway with the firebars shows the firebars all burnt out with ashes in their places. When the camera shows the base of entry tower with the pool of water, the green pool of sludgy water bubbles as a octopus tentacle rises from it. As for the cell where the Bob-ombs were once held, it shows the inside has graffiti in it. There is a lone Dry Bones collapsed on the floor, but it shortly rearranges its pieces back together and lets out an eerie cackle. When Red is done explaining, the camera cuts back to the bedroom.)
Green: Aw, it's not so bad, Red! That thing in the water's totally nice, especially when you feed it pizza! Also, that was me lettin' those guys out.
(Red gives Green an annoyed look.)
Green: What? Bill Bones gets shy a lot and he pays the rent down there!
Black: Heh… From what Green is saying, we're better off making this place a cheap motel just to pay for renovations… Still, if it'll keep your shell from getting bunched up, I'd say we try doing Bowser a favor.
Red: Get another job from King Firebreath? The guy hates our guts too much to even put us on KP duty just for minimum wage…
Green: But, Red, I thought King B just isn't interested in us since even Goombas are-
Red: SHUT UP, ya IDIOT! He hates us since Fatty Red creamed us and that's THAT!
Yellow: Green is right, Red. No offense to you, but Bowser clearly used terms and facial expressions to show indiffere-
Red: Yeah, yeah… Whatever, Yellow… Look, guys, the only way to win the big guy's trust is to mop the floor with that plumber, but good luck takin' out the guy who even makes the KING look bogus.
Green: Don't forget he even thrashed that baby Koopa dude who totally curb stomped us back at-
Red: CAN IT, GREEN!
Yellow: May I make a suggestion, Red? Perhaps taking an important person in Mario's life as a hostage would act as a kind of bargaining chip to gain the upper-hand?
Red: And that's why you're freakin' Einstein, compadre! *Thinks for a bit* Now, Peach is out since security's probably tight after bossman snatches her up all the time.
Green: But dude! her place is still totally free from any-
Red: *Snaps fingers* BINGO! Remember Plumber Boy's gang of dweebs from that Star Spirits rigmarole? We nab one and we're GOLDEN!
Black: Red, none of them are completely helpless. You're better off catching Luigi, who is actually quite simple to-
Red: C'mon, bros! Get your K-Game on 'cuz we're headin' out to Goomba Village! Yellow, you yeurself useful and get one of yer trap doohickies ready!
Yellow: I actually have this really brilliant one I'm just about to put the finishing touches on, so give me a moment to find it.
(Red grins at this idea and both he and Yellow exit the bedroom. Green looks at Black, who sighs and preforms a single bacflip out the window. Green looks frontwards toward the viewer and makes an "I-don't-know" pose at the viewer before leaving.)
Refs
http://www.vg-resource.com/thread-24880-...#pid547187
Secret Santa Gift
http://i.imgur.com/ePmc4yd.jpg
Ploaj
http://i.imgur.com/HlQpqzO.png
Chris
http://i.imgur.com/jTu4R2O.png
http://www.vg-resource.com/thread-24880-...#pid547187
Secret Santa Gift
http://i.imgur.com/ePmc4yd.jpg
Ploaj
http://i.imgur.com/HlQpqzO.png
Chris
http://i.imgur.com/jTu4R2O.png
(02-27-2014, 07:31 PM)Gors Wrote: DO NOT BE AFRAID TO SUCK. DO NOT BE AFRAID TO SHOW YOUR SUCKY ART. I think this needs to go noticed to everyone, because sucking is not failing. Sucking is part of the fun of learning and if you don't suck, then you won't own at pixelart
it's ok to suck, sucking is not bad, just try and aim to always do your best!