franco, the very critical wallaby: crikey where do i even begin
kosheh (my original character do not steal): from forum to forum you'll find that they all work very differently and their forum ettiquite different from one another. for example, what works on Boo Mansion won't work on VGR won't work on GameFAQs. welcome to the internet
franco: oi mate and it's not very often that you'll find people posting in script or even tagging their posts with OOC. that's kinda reserved to role play forums, which are, oh i don't know, tagged appropriately.
kosheh: ok you know what forget this in-character hullabaloo i'm just gonna give you the Big Skinny on this
one particular, glaring flaw is that you're introducing all these original characters all at once into an already established universe. as a result, you're leaving the reader completely confused as there's just an entire family tree and absolutely no rhyme or reason why things are occuring.
How did Peach meet her husband? When did her mother suddenly enter the picture? Why does Peach suddenly have adopted children? Where is THEIR mother? Why is Tails, who has absolutely no relation to Mario canon, suddenly showing up in the Mushroom Kingdom, especially when the only times she and Tails have met are in like...actual real-world locations? And why IS the whole thing written in script? And why is there so much exposition? When you're writing in script form (well, like some fanfiction writers do) you're pretty much omitting a whole lotta stuff, like character and world-building.
...which, yeah I think your story may be in need of some world-building, as it might be harder for others to follow along when the only details you're giving is "It's Pauline" (who young players or otherwise someone who doesn't play the Mario VS Donkey Kong series might not know) or "It's Kate - you know, from the handheld Mario Tennis games! And she's now part lycanthrope! Don't ask me why, she just is!" it's kinda...
all over the place.
franco, the very critical wallaby: mate its me again dont listen to that lout. just kidding anyhoo it'd probably be a good idea to flesh out character bios between chapters; maybe add some art in-between, or even little side stories. like, why IS Kate now a werewolf? Where did Pauline get her bloody carpenter's clothes? When did Parry, A PARASOL - A TALKING CLOTH UMBRELLA DESIGNED TO KEEP THE SUN OUT OF PEACH'S FACE, learn to shapeshift, because that's a really bonzer cool skill? okay mate gotta bounce *hops away on wallaby tail into the sunset to criticize some idiot on deviantart
kosheh: uh, ok
Oh, and one more thing: Try to avoid formatting the text in your posts with colors. Otherwise, it'll end up like this on dark themes.
![[Image: f6618467fd.png]](http://puu.sh/oOxLT/f6618467fd.png)
Play Crash Bandicoot here file for divorce Obese
ugh, at this point i might have to retract my "goodbye" topic
EDIT: oh. i just noticed you've got character bios on your deviantart.
...you may want to post them here (or maybe even in between chapters) as some of us are kinda in the dark in regards to the alternate universe you've created
!!!!
kosheh (my original character do not steal): from forum to forum you'll find that they all work very differently and their forum ettiquite different from one another. for example, what works on Boo Mansion won't work on VGR won't work on GameFAQs. welcome to the internet
franco: oi mate and it's not very often that you'll find people posting in script or even tagging their posts with OOC. that's kinda reserved to role play forums, which are, oh i don't know, tagged appropriately.
kosheh: ok you know what forget this in-character hullabaloo i'm just gonna give you the Big Skinny on this
one particular, glaring flaw is that you're introducing all these original characters all at once into an already established universe. as a result, you're leaving the reader completely confused as there's just an entire family tree and absolutely no rhyme or reason why things are occuring.
How did Peach meet her husband? When did her mother suddenly enter the picture? Why does Peach suddenly have adopted children? Where is THEIR mother? Why is Tails, who has absolutely no relation to Mario canon, suddenly showing up in the Mushroom Kingdom, especially when the only times she and Tails have met are in like...actual real-world locations? And why IS the whole thing written in script? And why is there so much exposition? When you're writing in script form (well, like some fanfiction writers do) you're pretty much omitting a whole lotta stuff, like character and world-building.
...which, yeah I think your story may be in need of some world-building, as it might be harder for others to follow along when the only details you're giving is "It's Pauline" (who young players or otherwise someone who doesn't play the Mario VS Donkey Kong series might not know) or "It's Kate - you know, from the handheld Mario Tennis games! And she's now part lycanthrope! Don't ask me why, she just is!" it's kinda...
all over the place.
franco, the very critical wallaby: mate its me again dont listen to that lout. just kidding anyhoo it'd probably be a good idea to flesh out character bios between chapters; maybe add some art in-between, or even little side stories. like, why IS Kate now a werewolf? Where did Pauline get her bloody carpenter's clothes? When did Parry, A PARASOL - A TALKING CLOTH UMBRELLA DESIGNED TO KEEP THE SUN OUT OF PEACH'S FACE, learn to shapeshift, because that's a really bonzer cool skill? okay mate gotta bounce *hops away on wallaby tail into the sunset to criticize some idiot on deviantart
kosheh: uh, ok
Oh, and one more thing: Try to avoid formatting the text in your posts with colors. Otherwise, it'll end up like this on dark themes.
Play Crash Bandicoot here file for divorce Obese
![[+]](images/collapse_collapsed.png "[+]")
alsough, at this point i might have to retract my "goodbye" topic
EDIT: oh. i just noticed you've got character bios on your deviantart.
...you may want to post them here (or maybe even in between chapters) as some of us are kinda in the dark in regards to the alternate universe you've created
!!!!
![[Image: 57d2BGH.png]](http://i.imgur.com/57d2BGH.png)