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E-Man · (02-27-2014, 07:31 PM)

Considering that I'm mostly doing all the work for this and a friend of mine suggested this, I may as well file a request like this one.

Just in case you guys aren't super aware of what I'm up to, I plan to make an animated fan series based on the Paper Mario games. The spoiler contains a basic animation test for the Mario puppet I developed and a link to my progress topic.

Even though I can do practically everything myself for the first short, I wouldn't mind some help on it and I'll honestly need at least one or two other guys to give me more assistance as this project goes on. While I'm up for almost anything you guys might offer to the project, I'm just looking for voice actors and maybe some writers to possibly revise the first script I wrote for the short.

Kosheh · (This post was last modified: 08-23-2015, 08:38 PM by Kosheh.)

Hmm. I'll take a look at the script if you like.

Just as a heads up, you realize by having me "revise the first script" will result in a sexy script and characters overflowing with personality, right?

Just PM me the script/upload it to Dropbox or something and I'll be glad to give it the Kosheh treatment. :V

E-Man · 08-23-2015, 09:48 PM

Alright then, but I hope you don't completely change everything, such as altering the structure of the story or changing my lines too much. Personally, I'm just looking for changing the ending a little bit because I'm not happy with Yellow's rant at the end. Also, getting rid of some unnecessary exposition wouldn't hurt either.

https://www.dropbox.com/s/5jyprm1r6duzsl....docx?dl=0

By the way, there are some typos in it. I would fix them, but my copy of Microsoft Word is still on the fritz.

Sketchasaurus · 08-23-2015, 10:32 PM

(08-23-2015, 09:48 PM)E-Man Wrote: Alright then, but I hope you don't completely change everything, such as altering the structure of the story or changing my lines too much.

This may be a bit blunt, but the harsh reality is this:
This kind of mentality is detrimental to any sort of creative process, especially when it comes to writing scripts. If anything is considered off-limits or "precious" then you automatically impede potential growth. It's one thing to have a creative vision, but that doesn't mean that the vision should be "it's exactly my way or nothing else." If you're having people lend their time and expertise, then you need to respect the changes they make and take them into serious consideration.

I should note that this isn't solely directed towards you personally; it's directed at that particular mentality. Having only one draft is foolish, and every line in a script is open to change. You're robbing yourself from the potential improvement you get by working with others.

E-Man · 08-23-2015, 10:48 PM

To be honest, I'm up for pretty much any change within reason. I just don't want the original script to be changed beyond recognition and I'm afraid of my own writing talents being discredited if they are not up to par. All the same, though, even if I don't agree with everything the revised script has to offer, I'll at least take the ideas into consideration.

Kosheh · (This post was last modified: 08-24-2015, 10:44 AM by Kosheh.)

Good. Because I had a shell of a time working on it! :0)

I only did the first two and a half pages though. I figured it'd probably be good to do just that part, rather than set myself up for disappointment if I did the entire thing and you didn't like it. :/

So here's the changes I made

BAD NEWS: I DID A LOT
GOOD NEWS: I CHANGED WORDS AND STUFF NOT WHAT THEY ACTUALLY SAID

They all had pretty flat personalities. Sorry. I cleaned them up a bit, mostly just swapping words and occasionally adding them for flavor. But, as for personalities, I HOPE I had the right idea. I kinda went by their little mannerisms in Paper Mario (the taunting and jeering), though tried to give them a TTYD spunk.

Here's what I came up with:
Red: A leader. Hotheaded, quick to scare, and quick to discipline his teammates verbally. I kinda imagined Raphael and Leonardo, and the Red Power Ranger rolled up into one writing the character, so he's written very colloquially.
Black: Strong, silent type. Only opens his mouth when he's got something to share. Actually the smart one, he gets Red and has good rapport with the team. I had Donatello in mind while writing him, so while written colloquially, he doesn't use all the mannerisms that the rest of the Bros. use.
Yellow: Quick to please Red - though it's mostly because he fears Red's retribution. Written like a suck-up, not like a Ninja Turtle. Originally was going to write him like Raphael due to his behavior in PM1, until I realized his dialogue just doesn't allow for it.
Green: A bit of a ham and sly with words, he's often shot down by Red even though he makes some good points ): Uses a lot of colloquialisms (and Mushroom Kingdom based word puns) Originally I was going to write him like Michelangelo until I realized a surfer dude wouldn't fit in the Mushroom Kingdom. I more or less rewrote his dialogue so he'd flow better.

There's nothin' more I love than a team of athletic, ninjitsu-practicing amphibians, so this was a blast to work on.
I'm willing to change these, but it wasn't very clear in the dialogue so I just made them up based on your dialogue choices.

- Fixed grammar and spelling issues)
- Shortened Red's exposition and added colloquialisms. I haven't seen "dame" used ever, and it's used to describe someone more...feminine usually, like Peach, so it's just "the pink Bob-omb".
- UPPERCASE text is meant to be emphasized text, to make the characters sound a little more natural whilst writing them. Most people would just bold text, but not Kosheh. It's usually Red using it, because he's a very emotionally-charged character.
- Added some actions in parentheses, but they aren't completely impossible, i.e. sprite flipping during some dialogue.
- "K-game" I'm explaining, because it means nothing. It's a pun on A-game, because the letter sounds similar. That's literally all there is to it.
- "King B" -> "Koopa King". He's the King of Koopas. That pretty much communicates how powerful the guy is, and how humiliating it is that Mario made such easy work of him.
- OVERSTEPPIN MY BOUNDARIES HERE!!! cos I changed who does the stylish jumps at the end of this segment, because it doesn't really suit the strong silent guy to be a ham. Instead, Green hops out of the room like an idiot and Black sighs and simply walks out of the room.

Segment of your revised script

Thoughts? I'll keep going if it's OK. If it's not perfect, just let me know what can be fixed, but if it's terrible, just let me down easy OK? ;P

EDIT: Also if I could make a suggestion...
Can you give these guys weapons at some point for comedic effect? Like, really ridiculous weapons to threaten Mario with that they don't actually use? Like a boomerang croissant, a trumpet, a giant carrot, and a wooden board with a nail in it?

E-Man · 08-24-2015, 08:47 PM

When I was writing my script, I honestly thought I was doing a good job of giving the Koopa Bros. personalities. Then again, I think that's a little hard to pull off rounded personalities in a single short comapred to a feature length film or the entire corse of an animated series. As I was writing the script, this is how I wanted the Koopa Bros. to act.

Red - You're right about his bad temper, his cowardliness, and how quick he is to abuse his teammates (mostly Green, though). I also want him to be the least intelligent member on the team and very incompetent at fighting. He's probably the leader because his friends simply let him (especially since I think they feel sorry for him) and his uncanny ability of persuading others. Plus, the idea of him possessing a huge ego that blinds him in his decisions is too good to pass up. He has a very informal way of talking and I can see him using the same kind of slang the actual TMNTs use. Think of him as a villainous version of Michelangelo mixed with a generous dose of Eddy from Ed, Edd, 'n' Eddy.

Black - Like you assumed, I only let Black talk if he has something to say. He is the best fighter (and overall best ninja) on the team and possesses the highest amount of common sense (even if he is not the most intelligent). While he barely tolerates Red and is willing to quit the team just to get away from Red, he actually likes and respects his other two teammates. Think of him as a mix between Leonardo and Raphael.

Yellow - You're a little off about how Yellow should act. I actually envisioned him as the Donatello of the group since he's the smartest and makes all the gadgets. I only have him act as Red's yes-man because he is the only one on the team who tolerates him and sees him as a friend. In fact, he spends a lot of his time keeping Red in a good mood, making sure Red doesn't land himself in trouble, and try to prove to Black that Red is a good person who deserves to be on the team. In spite of this, he does have his limits.

Now that I think about it, Yellow doesn't really show his intellect throughout the short. I tried sprinkling in bits of it, such as the trap used for Parakarry, but it hardly demonstrated it at all. Once I get down to rewriting this script, that'll be one of my biggest priorities. I don't know how I'll be able to have him work on any inventions without interrupting the flow of the story, but having him use techno babble and use language from a thesaurus are two ideas.

Green - Originally, I wanted to make him the team idiot. As I continued writing his character, though, I actually like the idea of making him the nice guy on the team. Since Red considers him an idiot, though, he is usually (if not always) the victim of abuse. In spite of that, Green is able to tolerate it because he just wants his three other friends to remain together. While he's not supposed to be the sharpest tool in the shed, he's very honest and points out a lot of things (even to the point of acting like Captain Obvious). Even though he is on a villainous team, he is normally the first one to do the right thing. Having him act a little like Leonardo is probably the best idea, but I wouldn't mind if Michelangelo was also thrown in there.

Another thing I want to do with the Koopa Bros. later on is include them as important, reoccurring side characters in the main Paper Mario series I'll develop. I don't know if I'll ever redeem Red as a character (keeping him as a persistent antagonist sounds good to me), but I can imagine Green and the other three willing to help Mario. A big purpose of this short is to set the Koopa Bros. up for the situation they'll end up in during the events of the main series. Besides, it'll give me additional opportunities to give them character development that might not be possible in the short alone.

Anyway, you gave a good amount of suggestions and I'll rewrite the first bit of the script (with notes to explain my logic) based on your suggestions. Thanks for the help so far!

recme · 08-24-2015, 09:27 PM

rewrite the first bit of the script? dude, kosheh gave you a big edit to the first two pages of your script, and youre just going to rewrite beginning? thats pretty lazy.

dont you want the script to be the best you can make out of it? if so, then dont take the easy way out. otherwise, its going to end up like crap.

E-Man · (02-27-2014, 07:31 PM)

I don't think I made this part clear, but the reason why I'll rewrite the first part of the script (as in the first two or so pages) is due to the fact that's all Kosheh has edited so far (at least from what I was able to see on his post). Obviously, there's more to the script that needs changing around, so I never said I'll only do just that and leave the rest as it is. If anything, I want my new take on the first script to pass the "Kosheh Seal of Approval" before I head out into other parts. Besides, if I was as lazy as you think I am, would I even be willing to make most (if not all) of the edits suggested throughout my project, let alone work on a massive undertaking like a Paper Mario fan series single-handedly at all? Tongue

Kosheh · (This post was last modified: 08-24-2015, 10:11 PM by Kosheh.)

Oh, um, neat

because

I also did part 2 just in case

I just rewrote some character dialogue, to make Red a somewhat more comedic character while he's trying to be a big-bad guy. Any weird figures of speech are completely intentional, and also some changes to Goompapa to get a few additional laughs (most of all, the VOs should be having fun with this, which is why I'm peppering up the script in the first place)

Also because the people of the Mushroom Kingdom just love their pasta puns (and there is also an overt Paper Mario quote in there. Can you find it???)

recme · 08-24-2015, 10:22 PM

(08-24-2015, 09:41 PM)E-Man Wrote: Besides, if I was as lazy as you think I am, would I even be willing to make most (if not all) of the edits suggested throughout my project, let alone work on a massive undertaking like a Paper Mario fan series single-handedly at all?

things can still get half-assed while making a project, especially by yourself. at certain points, one might feel lazy with one part and just half-ass the whole thing. of course, that wasnt the case here, but you see what im saying?

kosheh seal of approval? i get that kosheh is helping and all, but you should just look at what he generally changed for the first segment and just expand on that. examples include unwanted exposition, grammar errors, etc..

just try to be a bit more open about c+c. i skim by some of your threads sometimes and i get this vibe that there's an excuse for not changing anything. that may not be related to this case, but im just throwing that out just so you can be aware.

E-Man · (02-27-2014, 07:31 PM)

I just skimmed over your second bit of the script, Kosheh, and I'm actually pleased with the results. I probably won't use your exact edits (especially since I want to alter the Koopa Bros.' dialog to fit the personalities I described a bit ago), but expanding on what you did sounds good to me.

By the way, Recme, I don't think I show this well enough, but I actually do listen to and try practically all the critique I get. It's just that I always have this constant fear of not being able to apply the critique correctly or unwittingly make an exact copy of what the person has shown me (which is less likely to make me learn the proper material). Even when I do have anxieties about changing a certain thing, I still at least give it a good try to see if I'll get it right that time. Maybe my fears are where that vibe comes from?

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