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03-02-2009, 08:04 PM
(This post was last modified: 03-04-2009, 01:52 PM by Novalse.)
CHAPTER 1
Waves lap the boat, the storm was intensifying.
"Where's my son!?" calls a voice.
"Captain, sir!" called another voice, "He went overboard!"
"NO!!!!!" cried the captain.
chop-chop-chop-chop-chop-chop-chop-chop
A helicopter... how am I in a helicopter? I was in a boat... and I was knocked out!
He opens his eyes.
"Cap'n Infernape!" calls a voice.
Infernape? Thats a Pokemon!
"What?" calls another, grumpy voice.
"He's awake!" called the first voice.
"Hold your Ponytas!" called the second voice, "I'm landing at the station."
Station? Whats that?
"Hm?" another voice said, "He's thinking... He asked what a station is... what are you boy; a Metapod, stuck in it's shell knowing nothing of the outside world. I'll say..."
"SHUT UP KADABRA!!!" said the second voice, "Boy... You really don't know what a station is... do you?
What the... Of course I don't.
"Ya mute?" asked Kadabra, "If you aren't, stop thinking and START TALKIN'!!!!"
"Nay... I'm not mute." He says.
"Who said that?!" Infernape screeched.
"It's the Treecko we picked up." said Kadabra.
"Whats yer name?" asked Kadabra?
"Um..." he says.
"Fine name. Um?" After that Kadabra bursts out laughing.
"HEY! I DON'T REMEMBER MY NAME!"
Kadabra stares at him blankly.
"Wait... It's Gloh."
"GLOH? THATS FUNNIER THAN UM!! HA HA!"
"Um..."
"Shut up Kadabra! It's not funny!" screams the second voice.
"Pikachu? Whats with you?"
"Gengar, remove the curse. He can see."
"Eh?" said Gengar, "Oops. SHAMOEA!!!"
"You make weird noises." said Pikachu.
I didn't notice really till now... these Pokemon are talking... and they called me a Treecko...
"Will you stop being so secretive, G...GULP!!!" said Kadabra. The helicopter had landed in the middle of his sentence.
Chapter 2
A large wooden building lay ahead, with small windows dotted along it. It had three peaked roofs with holes that flying pokemon came in and out of. It was by the sea so water pokemon swam into an underwater entrance.
Is this the Station?
"FOR GOODNESS SAKES BOY!!" screamed Kadabra, it's long mustache flapping, "STOP THINKING! OF COURSE THIS IS THE STATION!!!!!!"
If everyone is like Kadabra... I hate this place. Kadabra's a jerk.
Kadabra looks stunned. He mutters "Two minutes and I already hate you."
Pikachu snickers. "Don't worry about Kadabra. He's always grumpy. My name isn't Pikachu like everyone calls me... my name is Zep. We all work for the H.L.P.E."
"H.L.P.E.?" Gloh asked.
"It stands for 'To Help Lost Pokemon and Explore'."
"So what do they want with me?"
"I..." Zep was interrupted by Infernape, "You going to chatter all day or are you gonna go into the Helpe base?"
As they leave, Gloh asks Zep, "Helpe?"
Without turning his head, Zep replies, "Thats the way you pronounce H.L.P.E."
Chapter 3
"Why does everyone call you Pikachu, when your name is Zep?" Gloh asked.
"You'll see when you're commissioned a Helpe member." he replied.
"Ahem!" said the instructor, named Poliwrath, "We have a new student! Treecko, come forward."
Gloh went to the front of the class and said, "My name is Gloh."
A gasp went through the classroom.
Poliwrath screeched, "YOUR NAME WILL BE TREECKO WE DON'T ALLOW NICKNAMES!!!!"
TBC
I really am sorry for how I was before I left. I would like to think that I am a better person now, so please don't judge me by how I used to be. I know I was a terrible member back then, and I sincerely hope I can make up for the mistakes I made.
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Whoa what, which boat? I don't know nothing of a boat...
Should be "a boat" rather, huh?
i guess "Hold your Ponytas!" would sound pretty discriminative, eh? Like, "Hold your asians" or something. Not good.
i'm wondering why they ask him for a name while they themselfes are called after their pokémon species. Wouldn't make much sence, would it? Just like in the games...
Posts: 190
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(03-03-2009, 07:52 AM)Previous Wrote: Whoa what, which boat? I don't know nothing of a boat...
Should be "a boat" rather, huh?
i guess "Hold your Ponytas!" would sound pretty discriminative, eh? Like, "Hold your asians" or something. Not good.
i'm wondering why they ask him for a name while they themselfes are called after their pokémon species. Wouldn't make much sence, would it? Just like in the games... 1. That's just the intro.
2. It's a pun on the phrase "Hold your horses", and since Ponyta is a horse...
3. It's Pokemon mystery dungeon... they asked his name because the other Pokemon have their name as their name. (eg. Infernape's name is Infernape).
I really am sorry for how I was before I left. I would like to think that I am a better person now, so please don't judge me by how I used to be. I know I was a terrible member back then, and I sincerely hope I can make up for the mistakes I made.
Posts: 3,049
Threads: 60
Joined: Jul 2008
Hard to really tell if this is good or not, think I'll wait until the next bit comes out before I decide whether I know what is going on or not.
Posts: 236
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03-03-2009, 06:02 PM
(This post was last modified: 03-03-2009, 06:04 PM by Oddball.)
Dear god why?
Number one, please, please oh please stop writing fan fic and go write something original and worthwhile.
That being said, and seeing as how you're writing fan fic anyways, I'd better help you at least write GOOD fan fiction. ><
Don't drive the story with conversations where we don't even know who's talking.
There are too many quotation marks and not enough words outside of them, if you know what I mean.
The exposition was shit.
Where's the descriptions? Give us an idea of whats happening, is it storming horrendously? Is it pitch black?
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!" How cliche. I mean, the captain has no feelings. He just screams out NOOOO. Where is the emotion of the characters?
Give people names, give them faces, give them thoughts, and of utmost importance, give them personality.
I don't care if these are pokemon, have them act as they should.
Kadabra in my mind would be an intelligent being. I don't see him making jokes and being silly. He should be calm and in control.
Likewise with the rest, give them personalities that represent them well.
Alright, rant over. Carry on.
(03-03-2009, 11:47 AM)Z1ggyZ00 Wrote: (03-03-2009, 07:52 AM)Previous Wrote: Whoa what, which boat? I don't know nothing of a boat...
Should be "a boat" rather, huh?
i guess "Hold your Ponytas!" would sound pretty discriminative, eh? Like, "Hold your asians" or something. Not good.
i'm wondering why they ask him for a name while they themselfes are called after their pokémon species. Wouldn't make much sence, would it? Just like in the games... 3. It's Pokemon mystery dungeon... they asked his name because the other Pokemon have their name as their name. (eg. Infernape's name is Infernape).
That's what he just said...
Why would they ask his name if they know he's a Treecko?
Why wouldn't they assume that his name is Treecko?
I mean, Infernape's name is Infernape, Gengar's name is Gengar, Kadabra's name is Kadabra. Why would they ask what Treecko's name is?
Seems rather silly, doesn't it?
∞
Nothing more or less useless than imagining that there is more to be done. Recall: no matter what is new there will always be these hands and these sandwiches. The enlightenment came and went and sliced bread was our creation— the best to be had. There can be no avenues of intellectual discord. We will always fold our food and put it into our mouths, long after our bodies forget what to do with it.
Posts: 190
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03-03-2009, 10:06 PM
(This post was last modified: 03-03-2009, 10:50 PM by Novalse.)
(03-03-2009, 06:02 PM)Oddball Wrote: Dear god why?
Number one, please, please oh please stop writing fan fic and go write something original and worthwhile.
That being said, and seeing as how you're writing fan fic anyways, I'd better help you at least write GOOD fan fiction. ><
Don't drive the story with conversations where we don't even know who's talking.
There are too many quotation marks and not enough words outside of them, if you know what I mean.
The exposition was shit.
Where's the descriptions? Give us an idea of whats happening, is it storming horrendously? Is it pitch black?
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!" How cliche. I mean, the captain has no feelings. He just screams out NOOOO. Where is the emotion of the characters?
Give people names, give them faces, give them thoughts, and of utmost importance, give them personality.
I don't care if these are pokemon, have them act as they should.
Kadabra in my mind would be an intelligent being. I don't see him making jokes and being silly. He should be calm and in control.
Likewise with the rest, give them personalities that represent them well.
Alright, rant over. Carry on.
(03-03-2009, 11:47 AM)Z1ggyZ00 Wrote: (03-03-2009, 07:52 AM)Previous Wrote: Whoa what, which boat? I don't know nothing of a boat...
Should be "a boat" rather, huh?
i guess "Hold your Ponytas!" would sound pretty discriminative, eh? Like, "Hold your asians" or something. Not good.
i'm wondering why they ask him for a name while they themselfes are called after their pokémon species. Wouldn't make much sence, would it? Just like in the games... 3. It's Pokemon mystery dungeon... they asked his name because the other Pokemon have their name as their name. (eg. Infernape's name is Infernape).
That's what he just said...
Why would they ask his name if they know he's a Treecko?
Why wouldn't they assume that his name is Treecko?
I mean, Infernape's name is Infernape, Gengar's name is Gengar, Kadabra's name is Kadabra. Why would they ask what Treecko's name is?
Seems rather silly, doesn't it?
T_T You'll see when the next bit comes out...
Chapter 2
A large wooden building lay ahead, with small windows dotted along it. It had three peaked roofs with holes that flying pokemon came in and out of. It was by the sea so water pokemon swam into an underwater entrance.
Is this the Station?
"FOR GOODNESS SAKES BOY!!" screamed Kadabra, it's long mustache flapping, "STOP THINKING! OF COURSE THIS IS THE STATION!!!!!!"
If everyone is like Kadabra... I hate this place. Kadabra's a jerk.
Kadabra looks stunned. He mutters "Two minutes and I already hate you."
Pikachu snickers. "Don't worry about Kadabra. He's always grumpy. My name isn't Pikachu like everyone calls me... my name is Zep. We all work for the H.L.P.E."
"H.L.P.E.?" Gloh asked.
"It stands for 'To Help Lost Pokemon and Explore'."
"So what do they want with me?"
"I..." Zep was interrupted by Infernape, "You going to chatter all day or are you gonna go into the Helpe base?"
As they leave, Gloh asks Zep, "Helpe?"
Without turning his head, Zep replies, "Thats the way you pronounce H.L.P.E."
I really am sorry for how I was before I left. I would like to think that I am a better person now, so please don't judge me by how I used to be. I know I was a terrible member back then, and I sincerely hope I can make up for the mistakes I made.
Posts: 236
Threads: 13
Joined: Jul 2008
You've just furthered the failing character development.
If Kadabra is grumpy, would he be yelling incessantly like that?
You could do without the capitals and all the exclamation points. Since you don't use exclamation points often, writing sentences that people yell in lowercase will work just fine and still get the point across.
"My name isn't Pikachu like everyone calls me... My name is Zep." Then why do people call him Pikachu?
Is this what you were going to do to explain to us why your guy has a different name?
If people still call Zep Pikachu regardless, then it would just further the idea that they don't care what your name is and will call you by your species name. Just furthering the idea that it makes no sense for them to have asked Gloh's name in the first place.
For the last time in the Creative section today- I'm not trying to just flame you into quitting or anything of the sort.
I'm trying to help you, from one writer to the next, so that your writing works out better and reaches the intended audience without a bunch of extra baggage.
If you don't take my ideas into mind, then you're just setting yourself back.
∞
Nothing more or less useless than imagining that there is more to be done. Recall: no matter what is new there will always be these hands and these sandwiches. The enlightenment came and went and sliced bread was our creation— the best to be had. There can be no avenues of intellectual discord. We will always fold our food and put it into our mouths, long after our bodies forget what to do with it.
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