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~~triptych~~ · 08-19-2009, 12:50 AM

Well, before you get started, we’ve got to get a few things straight. This short, handy-dandy questionnaire should help us figure out just how much help you need!

Do you have any talent?

Uh… no.

Creativity?

Nope!

That’s okay! You don’t need talent or creativity to play metalcore. Based on your answers, here are several useful tips that will get you on your way:

Your Sound

First, we need to discuss how you’ll be playing this music. In accordance with your lack of talent and creativity (you said it!), you’ll have to play all the songs on frets 0 and 1. This will give you that extra chunky, extra brotastic sound that all the bros love to get down to. If you try to solo… well, don’t; if you do, however, keep it short, and do not try to make it sound good. Remember, you’re making music for bros, not musicians. Anything that sounds unique or good will confuse the bros; a confused bro is not a moshing bro. A thing to remember: chugging is your best friend. In fact, if there’s any section in a song where you are both not chugging and not in a breakdown, you’re doing something wrong! The bro loves his chug. Whether chugging his chocolate milk or his favorite band is chugging a chocolate milk like riff (don’t think about that simile too hard, you might hurt yourself), every bro loves his chug.

The chug, however, pales in comparison to the importance of the breakdown. In the hands of musicians, breakdowns can be excellent. In the hands of someone void of talent, they are more boring than anything else. For accuracy’s sake, however, we should clarify. Talented bands use breakdowns; you’ll need to use the breakdown’s degenerate cousin: the brodown. For fear of harming anyone else who might read this manual, however, we will continue to refer to them as breakdowns. Thus, they should be the most important aspect of your music. In fact, if the only things in your song that you put any work into were 3 or 4 breakdowns, great job! You’ve already mastered the golden rule of mediocrity: breakdowns are more important than everything else (especially quality songwriting). Not only that, but the easiest way to get bros to follow you is with lots and lots of breakdowns. Now, your breakdowns should be in either half time or quarter time, because those are the only fractions a bro can wrap his head around. Don’t try anything crazy; bros have no sense of rhythm, and are known to spontaneously headbang at all the wrong moments. So, if someone in your band isn’t an idiot and suggests trying an actual breakdown in a crazy time signature such as 13/16, 9/8, or anything that sounds interesting, that’s a bad idea. Having musical integrity and being dynamic is far less important than sounding brutal. Additionally, if you’re overachievers, try going from a half time breakdown into a quarter time breakdown (or vice versa), essentially going from being offensive to being despicable. The last thing to remember is that breakdowns should occupy at least half of your song’s length. Going for more is always good; if your entire song is just a breakdown, you have mastered the art of sounding boring!

Your Structure

Your songs should all be three to four minutes long, and be arranged in mostly the same order (as far as song structure goes). Now, based on the answers to your previous questions, it’s apparent you’ll need a relatively simple, crude, and effective layout for your songs. Bear in mind that a child or a simpleton could come up with these song structures, but it will get the bros moshing and the ladies screaming. There’s a small amount of variety to it, but nothing complicated. As far as song structure goes, remember that simplicity is a bro’s friend. Any friend of the bro is your friend as well, so keep the songs repetitive, monotonous, and dull. If you stray from this formula, confusion will arise once more. All of your songs should look something like this example song.

Song layout #1:
Breakdown / chug a lot
Chug a lot
Breakdown
Chug some more
Breakdown
Solo / slower breakdown (optional)
Last round of chugging
One last breakdown

That is just one simple variation, but there are many more that all revolve around lots of breakdowns and lots of chugging.

Your Vocals

Now, based on your admitted absence of talent, we will also assume your singer is useless. Therefore, put him at the forefront of the mix so that bros will be distracted away from the monotony of your incompetent backing band. Since your vocalist is, presumably, awful at every single style of screaming and singing, make sure he tries to mix them all together to create some sort of hell-spawn of a vocal style. This will bring forth the effect of your vocalist sounding as brutal as is possible. Remember, bros need to be reminded that they are, in fact, tough guys, and that their comical outfits that make them look like animals that were in a tragic Skittles explosion (a bro is all about the peacock) are the coolest thing around. The more brutal you sound, the more the bro will respond by channeling a bro’s favorite pastime: pretending to be an epileptic ninja. Needless to say, the worse your vocalist is the more effective this method will be. Your vocalist may go “but wait bro, what if I’m such a narcissistic guy that I think people will want to hear more than one me?”. Good thinking! You will also want to layer your vocals in as many unnecessary and brazen methods as possible. In fact, if you can mix together more than 3 vocal styles, you will have achieved brovana.

Your Lyrical Content

You, of course, will need something for your vocalist to scream brutally about. This is the easiest part of making an album, since your main audience is a bunch of bros. As has been previously stated, bros are simpleminded, nervous, and fragile. They like lyrics that remind them that they are tougher than clowns. This is why your lyrics must be as childish and absent of thought as possible. Consider this verse, created literally at the drop of a penny (or whatever you are holding, ignoring the obvious ones that don’t fall very fast):

The only thing
That keeps me going
Isn’t hating myself
It’s hating others

Golden. In fact, if you want, you can use those lyrics right there. The absolute best quality of being a bad metalcore band is ripping off the work of others. To some people it’s called “Plagiarism”, but to the bro, it’s simply known as “Brogiarism”. In that regard, don’t forget to take anything else you can [from others] for any other aspect of your album. As far as the lyrics are concerned, just think like a 14 year old angst ridden teenager. Ask yourself “What would I write about if I was both intellectually incompetent and hormonally charged?”; that mindset will get you through any troubles you may have to overcome. Now, this may come through to you as condescending and mocking, but since you probably don’t know what those words mean, we’ll just keep going. That’s the last aspect of the lyrical work for the up and coming metalcore band to keep in mind: keep the language simple. If you can write several songs that more or less say exactly the same thing, all the better; bros can relate to familiarity.

Now, the average bro’s vocabulary is incredibly, laughably small. Beyond ending, beginning, or bridging every sentence with “bro”, speaking is guesswork. Sometimes the bro gets it right, sometimes the bro gets it wrong. The tendency to fail at basic communication is incredibly infuriating to the bro, and as such, bros are known to yell “ass” just as frequently as they do their moniker. That’s why every single sentence in your writing should have some form of cussing in it. The word ass, especially, is very brutal; in fact, it is the most brutal word in existence. The more you say it, the more brutal you are. If you are having trouble doing this, watch any Al Pacino movie except the Godfathers; he is the master of ass.

Lastly, don’t forget to shout “go” or “Come on!” before all of your breakdowns. Bros need guidance, and if you suddenly change on them, they will become terrified and may begin speaking; this would be a disaster. Letting them know when a breakdown is coming lets them prepare themselves for the furious arm swinging and incompetent dancing that must be done out of time to the breakdown.

Your Title

So, now you need a title for your album. This can be tricky; you need something that represents the finished product of your album as a whole, but is also easily related to by bros all over. Since you are more or less making an audible crime against humanity, try to name it related to crime or committing crime or being convicted of committing a crime, or criminally committing a crime you were convicted of being a criminal for. This will work for all of your records.

Back in Emmure’s studio

Frontbro: Bros, it doesn’t say ANYTHING about what we can do for our fourth album!

Bassbro: Hey bro, did you try turning the page?

Frontbro: Broly shit you can turn these things? Bassist, you’re a genius bro!

Page 2: How to make a follow-up album

You want to make sequel, huh? Well, that’s all fine and well. Just remember, when writing a sequel, try to do things exactly the same as every record you’ve already written. Doing this will make sure the bro has an arsenal of songs that sound exactly the same he can listen to; this will convince him that your music is, in fact, diverse, when in reality you have rewritten the same song 60 times.

So, you want it to be different than your last album? There’s a very easy method to that, rest assured. Is there a bassist nearby? Doesn’t matter. Is there a guitarist nearby? Okay. Now, this might sound crazy, but have him play something besides the first and 0th frets. Okay, now have him play it either really slow, or really fast. Sounds cool, huh? That’s unacceptable. Have him play it on the first fret or 0th, and then throw it randomly into your songs so it sounds awkward and out of place. Then, when the average bro thinks you’ve lost your way off the path to superbrodom, cut to a breakdown. This will reassure him and fill him with closure, knowing his favorite band is still brutal and not trying anything new. This also gives you the feeling of relief that you at least gave variation a shot, but realized it wasn’t for you.

There are many ways to pretend to experiment; just remember that the key to all of them is doing them as badly as possible. This gives you two possible outcomes: sounding even more brutal or making your other material sound more brutal in comparison.

Your Pacing

Now, given the immense lack of effort it takes to make something this bad, you need to pace yourself. A follow-up album should come around 1 and a half to two years later, to let the bro be distracted by other equally, if not more inferior, bands, until he forgets you exist. If you over-saturate the bro with his favorite music, he may become fanatical and wildly emotional; too much exposure to what a bro considers his life will make him volatile and unpredictable; when this happens, bros are known to spew nonsense forth in the form of pure, concentrated vocal idiocy. If taken in large doses, it can cause brain damage to those around him.

Follow all of these rules and guidelines, and in no time, you’ll be a successful metalcore act with absolutely no dignity or shame to be heard of that people with a conscience will despise! Enjoy your success, bros!